Hello everyone. I hope no one minds, but I really need some vent space.

Is it normal to just want to say "f*** it, I don't want to play this anymore"? I am with my LO 24/7. It is not very often I get a break to even go to the market. Hell, she stood in the bathroom this morning all the time I took my shower. When I am on the telephone, she insists on knowing every word I am saying. She has edema in her left leg, but the only time I can get her to sit down and rest is at meal time and then not for long. I so badly want to tell her to leave me along, and I know that is not realistic. I also grew up in an era that you DO NOT talk back to your parents. I also know that this is no longer the mother I grew up with. But sometimes it doesn't help. I feel frustrated, sometimes put upon, sometimes just plain angry. If it weren't for my best friend, I don't think I would get a break at all.

Am I normal? I am in counseling, but often times that is not enough. I love my mother and would do anything in the world for her, but this damned disease it making that very hard.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd like to say it gets easier Jeri, but it doesn't. We go from one thing to another. About the time we think we're adjust something else comes up.
We we receive the diagnosis, we think the forgetting is bad. Then comes the confusion and agitation, the anger, walking, talking, eating, continence. It's just one after another.

My DH is nearing and partially in stage 7, I think now in someways it's easier than getting to this point. Maybe it's because there isn't many more changes he can make. We've met most of them and survived. It's been hard but love has made it possible.

Anytime you want to vent, go right ahead. We've all done our share of it.

Dear Jeri,
You are normal, you are human, you are doing the best you
humanly can. Vent all you like here or in any other thread.
No one will judge you. I just desperately wish we could
help more. ((((hugs))))
Carol

Yes it is perfectly normal. There were many times that I screamed that I just couldn't do it one more day. I even bought a punching bag to let it out on.

Just take it one minute at a time and let it all out on this board. We will be here for you. We do understand.

Jeri,
I am also with my Mom 24/7, and I know exactly how you feel. Although my Mom doesn't stand around me too much, or come in the bathroom with me, she's just always around. I have a ranch home, and my kitchen and family room of course are basically one large room. So mom either sits in her recliner or at the kitchen table and "watches" everything I do. Even when I have coffee in the morning, she sits there and watches while I read the newspaper. I sit at the computer, and she watches me. I try to talk on the phone, and she listens and watches me.

This morning I was on the phone with someone from the forums here, and of course we were laughing and giggling about certain things, and Mom was right there in the kitchen listening to every word I said. So of course I had to be really careful about what I say. Then when I would laugh out really loud, or talk loud, she would cover her ears, and tell me don't talk so loud. She did this to me for a half an hour, and I finally got so mad, I told her if it bothered her to please go in the family room. Well of course she got pissed at me, and went up in her room.

If I try to go in the bedroom and talk, she either goes in her room, which is right next to mine, or she says, "sure, go in your room and talk about me. "

During the day I leave her for a few hours if I have to, but when I walk in from being out, she asks me where the hell I've been all day. So sometimes it's not even worth going out.

I do have a sister and brother that help me out when my husband and I go out on a weekend night. But of course I try to go around their plans first. So if they both have plans, then we stay home. My sister has a full time job, so during the day is out for her.

I'm thinking of getting someone to come in during the day occasionally. Of course when I mentioned that to my Mom, she said "I'm not a baby, I don't need a sitter. I'll make her leave.

So is it normal to say F*** it, I don't want to play this anymore? Who the hell knows. I don't seem to know what normal is anymore. But I do know when I first came on the boards in Aug., I was literally going crazy. Then all these wonderful people knew exactly what I was going through. And they helped with their advice and compassion. Do I still think I'm going crazy? You bet. But it seems with each post I read, and each suggestion I receive, it makes it a little easier crazy.

I do have to say though, I am on Zoloft. That has helped me considerably. Makes you cry a little less, and makes it a little easier to cope.

Geez instead of helping you, I've layed this on you. But sometimes when someone feels the same way you do, you just have to tell them in detail that you definitly know how they feel. And I do know my friend.

I grew up in the same era of not talking back to your parents. But I have to say, between the lies (we're suppose to call them fiblets) I have to tell, and the yelling at her occassionally, all that has to be forgotten. It just can't be the same way Jeri as when they didn't have AD. And that's ok. (That's what I have to keep telling myself after I cry that I yelled at Mom)

Keep in touch. Pm me if you want to. Keep venting. And maybe we can get through this together. And do know that we're not the only ones that feel this way. That I know for sure. You'll love the people on here, and they "will" help us get through this, probably better than a counselor can. Because unless that counselor has a loved one with AD, she really doesn't know where your coming from.

I wrote a post a few days ago titled "My words are stuck", and I just want to thank you for helping me "unstick" some of them. It felt sooooo good.

love,
Jackie

Today my Mother turned 80. I only wish that she was able to remember it. We sang "Happy Birthday" and had a cake, but I know that she will not remember. That makes me so sad.

Jeri:
Vent, Vent , and Vent some more.
I too, like the others that have replied to your post, know exactly where you are coming from. I too have been there and still am.
My Mother is 87 and I suspect she is in stage 6...really not sure. She lives with me (retired RN) and my husband (also Retired). We had envisions of retiring and being able to come and go when the notion struck and try to enjoy being retired, but that isn't to be. I'm thankful for a husband that doesn't complain about that and is here to help me as much as he can. Mother falls quite often and my husband is here to help me pick her up, I'm able to leave and go to the store for awhile as long as my husband is here to watch Mother....but that's about the extent of my life outside these four walls. I too, have had feelings of resentment, anger, frustration, sadness, fear, self-pity and a lot of Guilt for those feelings. I am constantly asking the Lord to forgive me for these feelings and keep trudging on the best I can , realizing that I am human.
I won't bore you with all the things I've dealt with re my Mother, but the things that you mentioned and Jackieyo mentioned....ditto to those and many more.
You long, at times, for just a moment of sanity and a moment of true privacy. I have often deprived myself of a good cry that often can be a cathartic thing because I don't have the privacy to do it or the time to spend on it.
I'm sorry I am making this more about me than you and your concerns. Don't mean to do that....but telling you some of this is my way of saying....I know your pain, I know your concerns because I've been there/ am there and so are the others on this forum.
We all care and wish we had a magic phrase or magic wand that could take this burden from you / from all of us.
Instead we do have the ability to listen and give small pieces of advice or just a confirmation that you aren't alone in all of this____even tho' , at times, it seems like it.

Louise

Louise,

Thanks for reminding us too that we are not alone in these feeling we have. My husband and I are not retired, but have 2 daughters that are out of the house and married. We came and went as we pleased, and I so miss that. My husband also is so very good with my mom. He often has to remind me to try to be a little more patient with her. I am so damned resentful sometimes that I can't stand myself. But I have to say, it feels good to know that I'm not the only one to have these feelings.

Thanks for telling us about your situation. It just helps so very much to have all the support we can get.

Jackie

Thank you Louise for your words. You are very fortunate to have your husband. Occasionally I have my son to help, but my biggest form of support is a woman named Jill. She is the sister that God forgot to give me. We even had the word sisters in Chinese character tattooed on the back of our necks. Anyway, I digress. In a month I have only used 1/4 tank of gas. I sometimes don't get out of the house for 2 or 3 days at a time.

I have found a way to make Mom feel helpful. During the day if she does dishes, she forgets to use soap. So at night before I go to bed if there are dishes to be done I run a sink of hot, hot, hot soapy water so by morning she can add some warm water and the dishes will more or less already be done. It may seem lazy on my part not to do them at night, but it helps Mom, I think.

You are all sweethearts for caring about each other and caring what each of us might bring to share.
Yes, Jeri, My Mother is always wanting to feel useful and yet, sadly, there isn't much she can do. So, she does a few dishes (I have a dishwasher, but since there are only a few dishes through out the day with just the 3 of us , I ask her if she wants to do them)...she always wants to and the only reason she is able to do them is because she can lean against the sink and counter as she stands with her walker, but she has to sit down and rest every few minutes..
She also folds a few pieces of laundry, when I have any to fold. She can also shred papers for me....she is able to sit in front of the shredder and that keeps her busy for a few minutes. I always watch her closely.
I, like you, have found that she doesn't always wash the dishes well, and the underwear and socks that she folds are usually folded wrong side out and mismatched....but it makes her feel helpful. She thinks that she should be able to do more things in the house and she gets angry because she says I won't let her. But, it isn't because I don't let her, she can't stand or walk without hanging on to her walker....but, of course, her thinking isn't logical at all.
And in her delusional thinking, she absolutely believes that she has a job in a store office and that she has an apartment above this store...this line of thinking from her just boggles my mind because she has never in her 87 years worked in a store or store office and she has never had an apartment anywhere, even in her younger years before she was married to my Dad. My Dad has been gone for 27 years. He died at 63 y.o. from a massive heart attack. I thought that was the end of the world and it was a very hard loss for all of us. But, I have to admit, I am now so thankful that I didn't have to see him go through this horrible disease (AD) and I am also thankful that he doesn't have to be here to see Mother suffer through this.
Well, I got off on another "blabber binge" didn't I? My intention was just to stop in and tell you how important you all are to me and to a lot of others, I'm sure.

Thank you all for being here,
May the Force Be With You,
Louise

Louise,

You come and blabber binge any time you want to. Because this way when we "blabber binge" we'll remember that you did, and then we won't feel bad.

Boy, when you described your Mom doing the dishes, with the exception of the walker, it sounded like you were talking about my Mom. I don't often use the dishwasher for the same reason. And the folding, oh God, usually have to do it all again when I bring it up in the bedrooms. But we have to find things for them to do. Wish I could find more.

And my Dad died 21 years ago, and he would "not' have had any patience with my Mom.

So you keep coming here and telling us what you know, because it only helps us to become (I hope) better, more patient caregivers.

Love,
jackie

My dad passed just 5 1/2 years ago. He was noticing things about my mom. He died just 19 days short of their 50th anniversary. But it was time for him to go. He tried to hang on because he knew I was planning a good size party. We gave him the ok to go. He had emphazema and COPD. I don't think he would have had the patience with my mother, either.

I don't know if I should start a new thread with this question, but has anyone put their LO in adult daycare? My counselor is very concerned about me because I don't get breaks from Mom, and she is short of "pushing" me to do it. I was just wondering what your take was on it.

I have said it before, but I will say it again. You guys ROCK. Every time I come here I find something that reaffirms the fact that I am not alone. Thank you all.

Thank you Jackieyo for your kind words and thanks to you also, Jeri. We do all need each other , and as I've said before: Thank the Lord I found all of you in these forums.
In re to your question, Jeri, about Adult Day Care: My Alz. Assoc. Care Consultant has also urged me to get my Mother into Adult Day Care to 1) give Mother something to do and 2) to give me an outlet and give me some respite for a few hours during the week.
I really want to do this or at least see how Mother would accept it...and I did get in touch with an Adult Day Care recommended by the local Alz. Assoc. chapter here. But I first have to get some health forms filled out and signed by Mother's Doctor, that they require (and that also includes Mother having a test for TB clearance), and I just haven't got that done yet. I did get the forms from the Day Care place....but now I've got to get them and Mother to her Doctor and I admit getting Mother ready to go to a doctor appointment is a big job. But I will follow through soon.
Keep us informed on any progress you make on this.

Louise

Jeri & Louise,
LOTS of people on this board have had or currently have
their LO's involved in Adult Day Care at least part-time.
I checked it out for my Dad while he was living with me
and it seemed like a great thing. He moved to an ALF
before a space opened up, though, so we didn't actually
try it. Good luck with the forms, etc!
Carol

Jeri andLouise,
Bill went to day care for about a year. At first it was one day a week and then it went to three days a week. He never complained but he didn't remember he had been there by the time he was in the car to go home. I never told him he was going to day care. It was our senior citizen club where we could exercise and meet new people. I told him we had to be in different classes so we could meet different people.
Louise I never had to get papers from the doctor or anyone else when Bill started going. We filled out a form at the day care but it was only so they would have an idea of what he could and could not do.
We stopped the day care when he started to wander off. They had a locked room but when they went for exercise of some activity, there was no locked room and he wandered off once. That's when we stopped going.

I personally enjoyed the days he was there even though he didn't know what was really going on.

I paid $50 a day plus $5 for a hot lunch. He went from 8-4. If he had gone under four hours it would have been $10 an hour. I had to pay myself, no assistance. If you can do it, I would recommend it.