Hi all,
I've been having a real problem with Mom for about 3 weeks now around dinner time. I figured I'd give it some time and it might go away, but it seems now that maybe habit has intervened.

Mom has been a really good eater for a long time now. Ever since the doctor prescribed that Remeron, her eating is great. She has breakfast, lunch and dinner, and snacks. Usually the snacks are after dinner, and not much if nothing at all between lunch and dinner.

We usually have dinner between 5 and 6pm. I usually try to plan dinner depending on the time Mom has had lunch. Sometimes she won't eat breakfast until 10:30am or 11am.

Most times she'll ask when are we going to eat dinner, so that's kinda my clue that she'll be ready. I get dinner all together, call her to the table, and she says she not hungry. I make her come and sit with us anyhow, thinking that after she sits there and sees the food, and gets the first taste, that she'll start eating. Well that has stoppped.

Now she comes to the table, moans that she just can't eat and said that the smell is making her sick, and to put it away and she'll eat later. I remove the plate, hubby helps her back to her recliner. We eat, take our last bite of food, and she asks why she isn't eating dinner. With that we get her back to the table, warm her plate, and she'll eat.

Next is the "wait until I'm done with the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen episode." Get the kitchen cleaned up, sit down to relax for the night, and bingo, I'll eat dinner now. Ok, back in the kitchen, warm up the food, and now bring it to her recliner to eat it.

The last few nights its come to the table, look at the food, say yuck, say I can't eat, I can't eat. Make her try, says she can't eat she can't eat, bring her to her recliner, sit 15 minutes, and I'll eat now!

I cannot stand this anymore!! Is this part of sundowning?? Remember when the kids were younger and there was battles at dinnertime? Well they were much easier to reason with than Mom is. I have not had a hot meal in weeks. I can't stand the bickering I'm having with her at dinnertime. I've tried every tactic that I can think of. I've even offered to bring her meal to her recliner every night thinking she doesn't want to miss MASH!

Nothing, nothing has worked.

Tonight we had simple BLT's. I made one for her with a side of cottage cheese and peaches. I brought it to her recliner. She asked why she was eating in the family room. Very calmly I said, oh, I thought you may have wanted to. With that I brought her plate to the table. She came to the table, looked at the plate for a few minutes, and said she wasn't hungry and to save it for her for later. (now mind you, when the bacon was cooking she said to hurry up as she was hungry)

Hubby brought her back to her recliner, and within 5 minutes she said to bring it in the family room. I brought it in the family room, she ate the peaches from the cottage cheese, told me to come and get the sandwich, wrap it up, and save it for later.

I went to get the sandwich, brought it in the kitchen, and she said, why did you take my sandwich. At that point I threw the plastic wrap across the counter, and just started crying.

Another stage? Purposely trying to aggravate me? Am I just not getting it too? I can actually see why many people that have seen and talked to Mom thinks she's so normal. I mean God, you should see her sometimes. She remembers that I yell at her lately, she remembers so damned much, but then for as much as she remembers, she forgets.

Sorry this has been so long, but lately, I have just had it, I have had it. My knee is killing me, it's making my whole body kill me, my house is a mess, I'm tired of watching my husband do dinner many nights plus clean up and do dishes, I'm tired of seeing him going to the store and doing the shopping for me. I'm just plain old tired. What the heck is going on with her.

Uti? I can't catch her damned pee to find out. She's not consistent with urinating, and then when I do go to catch it, she has a bowel movement. I don't know, I'm batting zero here. How hard is it to understand to spread your legs Mom!!

Help!!!

Jackie

Oh, Jackie! I remember that phase with Old Navy!

I had to let it slide and not take affront from his words or actions. DH and I would eat on schedule no matter what. I learned not to force ON to sit with us if he thought he wasn't hungry.

My suggestion is to fix something for Mom earlier in the day that can be eaten warm or cold. You and DH sit down to eat and only if she says she's hungry, give her something really small in portion to eat.

It's a difficult phase because you just can't seem to get anything accomplished.

I sorry this is going on Jackie. Do you think part of it is that you are just not feeling up to par with the knee hurting. I know when I am tired or not feeling good, Bill can breath too loud and I feel like screaming.

I've not gone through a not eating phase. Bill will eat anything and everything that is edible. And try somethings that aren't. It has to be different for you than it is for me. You have to not only think about Mom but also your husband. For me it's just Bill and I so it isn't such a big deal when he eats. I just eat when he does.

When they act like a spoiled kid, you want to treat them that way. But I guess with them, we can't. With the kids, if they didn't want to eat when or what I cooked, I would just let them do without until the next meal.

I'm not sure I would be doing the moving back and forth from room to room at dinner time. I'd bring her to the table and let her sit until I was finished eating. But I don't know how disruptive she is, so I can't say for sure. Does your mother walk? You say your husbands helps her back to her chair.

What would she do if you took the food to her and just set it in front of her and walk away. Sometimes it seems like they are just trying to get us to pay attention to them and maybe this is her way of doing that.

Whatever the reason, I hope it stops soon for your sake. I'll see you next month.

I'm not sure if it has anything to do with my knee or not. I try to make dinner time as pleasant as possible, if for anything, more for my husband.

I always do make her come to the table for dinner. If she says she doesn't want to eat, I make her sit there with us anyhow. But then she goes on and on about how she's not hungry, and I'm treating her like a child, and she'll eat when she wants to. I get so tired of hearing her, that I just give up and tell her to go back in the family room.

Mom can walk, but because of the arthritis in her knees, gets very wobbly. And usually around that time, she seems to be worse. So hubby makes sure he supports her. The last thing I need is for her to fall. And of course she fights us on that too and refuses to use the walker.

But then when she sits down, and then says she's hungry, we're all finished eating. If I suggest she come back to the table, she tells me to forget it, she doesn't want to eat. And says things like, "Don't bother"! I have actually said, fine, then I guess you don't eat, and I suffer for an hour with her talking to herself, and saying she wants to go home, and she should have never moved here.

And of course, it bothers my husband to not have her eat, and he says not to make a big deal of it, to let her eat when and where she wants. So to avoid all kinds of aggravation, and not spoil anymore of my appetite then has already been spoiled, I give in. Hubby is much better to Mom than I am. He just feels so bad, and he gets mad at me when I raise my voice to her, or treat her bad. So for him, many times I just have to let it go. And you'd have to really know me to realize that thats not an easy thing for me to do. God I have changed so much. Don't have half of the mouth I used to. Guess I may just be too tired to use it as I used to. Seems like I'm more of the type now that I raise my hands in the air and say, "I give up"!

Tonight my sister was over for dinner. I've been telling her for weeks what Moms been doing. She usually comes at least twice a week, and Mom has done this when she's been here. But this past two weeks, has not been able to make it here.
But of course, Mom came to the table tonight to eat! I'll be darn! She made a liar out of me again!

Of course my sister and I just laughed when we saw her coming to the table and actually start eating. I told her that it must be that she came over tonight, and she may have to come every night now.

Hopefully tonight was the last of this. I really think sometimes with AD, its just a matter of habit. So hopefully tonight set the pace for her to start the habit of eating when its dinner time.

Jackie

Jackie, when Mom was alive, she just plain wouldn't eat. We had to bribe her to eat anything. In the last months, the dr. said anything we could get into her was a blessing, including candy bars, milk shakes, whatever. The bowl of ice cream I fed her the night before she died was practically force-fed. With every spoonful, I told Mom I would give her a kiss for ever bite she ate. She ate the whole bowl. She died at 84lbs.

I would also suggest making things you can serve hot or cold like sandwiches, at least until she gets out of this phase. Yes, this could be a form of sundowning. Heck, anything is possible with AD. The key is to just keep this as simple as possible with as least confrontation as needed. it just gets Yo worked up and you frustrated. Right now you don't need the hassle. Save yourself and throw together some sandwiches. Silently, put them on a plate along with chips or whatever and give it to her without a word. If she refuses, just let it sit there. She will eat it after she makes up her mind in her time that she wants to eat.

You are in so much pain right now and nothing is going right. You have had a lot of trauma lately and you are trying to bounce back from that. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It only adds to the whole mix of emotions you are facing right now. You are doing your best for Yo and that's all you can do. Soon you will have your surgery over with and feel better and ready to tackle the world. For now, forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself. Love to you, my friend.

Jackie,

Are you trying to make order out of disorder?

My dear, dear friend, I can attest to the impossibility of such aspiration in the world of AD. Let it go, and, as Snick suggested, make sandwiches!

And remember, in order to be present, you must go to where your Mother is in all aspects of her life.

Take care, my friend.

Love, thoughts and prayers,

Joyce

Joyce I am sitting here laughing at your response. Everytime you respond to one of us, you get right to the point with very few words and it basically sums up to the same thing. You're absolutely right, as everyone is, I am trying to make order out of disorder!

You would think by this time, I would have gotten the hint that I need to go where Mother is. Sometimes I just want to treat her the same as if she understood what she is doing. I guess maybe it keeps me hoping, although I don't know for what as all it does it makes her irritable, and me crazy.

See, thats why I need all of you. You make me come down to reality. I have to stop living in this dreamworld that I sometimes seem to be in.

Thanks guys, thanks for helping me with this. I now know that I just need to let this go, and just so to speak, let nature take its course.

You are all wonderful!

Jackie

"making order out of disorder", I love that, Joyce. That pretty much describes what caregivers try to do just before the surrender.

Laurette was starting to balk at dinners too, and I was having a hard time getting her to eat three meals a day. My uncel and her sister started taking her to a nearby diner every night for dinner. It's an old run down place with nothing but regulars. I have no idea how they're still in business, but it's quiet with few distractions. When she's in a restaurant she seems to know the drill and she eats happily, and it's only $8-10 a day. It's two little old ladies eating so it takes at least two hours. That's $5/hour for a companion, a meal, and a break for me. What a deal!

Hi Jackie,
Your post was what I could have written about my dad a few years ago.
I found that if there was more than one item on the plate he wouldn't eat it. Too confusing for him, I guess. I started to make simple casseroles and freeze them in portion sizes and just heat one for each meal. With everything mixed and all looking the same he ate it right up. We gave up the idea of eating at the table with him. I found he ate better in front of the tv.
One other thought...it seems that their taste buds change and they want things sweeter and spicier. Could you add some sugar to the meal somehow. I know it sounds gross but it works for some.
northernlights