Last night I noticed the carpet runner had a "bubble" in it. My first thought: I need to smooth that out so mom doesn't trip. The realization that she's gone follows swiftly and feels like a sucker-punch to the gut.

GOTCHA

Those kinds of thoughts still come naturally, 2 1/2 months after journey's end.

You, too?

Karen, when our son was ill I gave him a small bell to ring if he needed me. It took me forever not to jump up and run to the bedroom every time the ice cream truck went by.

Mine comes when I want to call my folks about something and realize they are no longer there to call. Then I think, what the heck, they already know, they can see what is going on from where they are.

The weirdest thing I am doing right now is cleaning as I go while emptying out my parents house. My mom couldn't do it in later years and my dad and I together missed many spots. I have been selling appliances and some furniture the last several days and have caught myself cleaning because Mom would just have a fit if people were coming over and seeing her house a mess. We are hiring a cleaning crew after it is empty to deep clean everything but it just makes a difference to me to try to make things nice like Mom would have wanted it.

I actually notice it when I am on the computer and read something funny. I find myself turning around to tell her about it and she isn't there.

The strike of midnight on New Year's Eve - I always called my parents to wish them a happy new year. It really hurt this year.

i always called my parents as well on new year eve.

I was comparing my new years from last year to this year. Last year, Dad took Mom, DH and I to a really nice restaurant and afterward we said our goodbyes because I was on call with the ambulance for that night. This year, I worked, didn't get an employee meal and ended up eating at the truckstop at 2am. Yesterday I spent the entire day over at the house cleaning again. Not the great start I hoped for the new year but I sill have 363 days to make it better, right? And yes, I used to call my folks every new years day morning to wish them happy new year.

Karen,

"GOTCHA

Those kinds of thoughts still come naturally, 2 1/2 months after journey's end.

You, too?"


Me, too, Karen, even almost 5 months after the journey has ended.

Drove through Wendy's last night to get a small Frosty. Momentarily, instead of knowing my friend was sitting in the passenger seat, it was my Mother sitting there waiting for her Frosty.

A day doesn't pass that I don't have a multitude of thoughts and feelings and images of the two of us doing something and when that occurs, I definitely experience that "GOTCHA, sucker-punch in the gut" feeling. I assume in time that feeling will lessen and I will focus more on the joy of the moment instead of a "surprised, shaken" moment. Part of me wants that to hurry up and happen, yet another part wants to hang on to the present and not rush the future because the intensity of feelings makes me feel closer to Mother, makes me feel as though she is still here in some way.

I guess all I'm really rambling on about is that I stayed so much in the present, in the moment, with Mother that if I begin looking ahead, I will lose a little of that intensity and I'm not quite ready to do that right now. I suppose it all has to do with letting go. Some moments I can, but most other moments I continue clinging. It is just a part of grieving and it will relinquish its hold on me when I am ready.

Joyce