Tonight I was looking at some old posts on the other board from before Helen passed. I realized that I am not the same person today that I was as a caregiver. Yes I had times of outbursts and banging my head against a wall but all in all I like the person I used to be better than who I am now.

As a caregiver, my life revolved around taking care of someone else, meeting their needs. Now that I am no longer responsible for someone, I have become rather self centered. I find I am completely wrapped up in my own grief, loss and pain. I'm not sure how to change this but I have to say I really don't like the person I am right now.

Has anyone else felt like they have changed? Just curious.

Lori,

It's hard not to be changed by a loved one's death. It is traumatic and very hurtful. So many questions and not enough answers. It's no wonder we sink into ourselves and try to deal with the aftermath of what has happened.

I don't think it is about being self centered right now. It's about sorting through this grief so we can get on with our lives. It is expected to take time out and do some soul searching and find ourselves again. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it and we need to be giving ourselves permission to move through this to go on. Helen would want that for you and so would my folks of me.

Have I changed? Of course! And through life's experiences, I hope I keep changing so I can grow from them and learn. But the one thing I have learned for now is to not put even more stress on myself by thinking I need to feel differently from what I am feeling now and that it is ok to still miss them, to mourn them and yes, to even want them back. A year ago I was caregiving for Mom and this year I am alone. Such a different world I live in now as opposed to last year. I push myself a bit here and there because I have to (a trait I inherited from my Dad). I try to get out, to do things I enjoy and to discover new things. It's about giving ourselves permission to live again, for us and to honor our loved ones memory. Helen and my folks would not want you and I to become stagnant and not do for ourselves. They would want us to live and to try to enjoy our lives. We will get through this one sweetie. It's hard to think we will but we will as time goes by. It's coming up on a year that my mom passed and I know your anniversary is coming up exactly a month after Mom's. Believe it or not, we are doing better than we were a year ago. And next year we will do better. Time, sweetie...that's all we have right now.

Keeping you in my thoughts...I wish I could make this better for you:(

Lori,

I'm a bit self-centered, too. Since mom died I've had a string of minor illnesses, aches and pains and the like that I couldn't stop and pay attention to before -- so now they seem to be assaulting me one after another.

I truly believe mom is in a far better place, at last reunited with her soul mate, and I can't feel badly for her. But I DO spend a lot of time feling badly for ME all all the things that went out of my life when she died. And I'm really struggling to find a sense of purpose again. At age 54 I ask myself almost daily: "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?" And I don't have an answer.

Earlier this year my DH had a serious health crisis. It upset me more that mom wasn't here to talk to about it than his actual condition. That's pretty selfish. And I find myself resenting and getting angry with him because he wants ME to be responsible for HIS life rather than himself. I'm not ready to take on that kind of responsibility again. So I keep telling him to grow up and take care of himself. (BTW, he is fine and only needs to make some lifestyle changes to stay that way.) I hope before he really needs me I can get that caring individual back, but right now there are no guarantees.

So, I guess like you, I'm not real happy with the person I've become. But I readily admit, I'm still a work in progress, and I try to go easy on myself. After all, I had my mother for 11 days shy of 54 years -- why should I expect myself to completely grieve in only 8.5 months?????

You too are a work in progress. Don't give up on yourself. Gentle (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))