My parents are in their early eighties. I can't imagine living for another twenty or thirty years. I really don't even want to be here now.

But in the not-too-distant future, my parents will be dead. My husband will be dead. My daughter just doesn't care. And my grandson will grow older and soon he will only be interested in his friends and all that. His Grammie won't matter anymore. And since I don't get to see him often, it will most likely happen sooner than later.

I have no idea even what I will live on for money. The future looks pretty dim in that area. It is very frightening for me. When a person cares for a parent, they usually have some assets to use for the care. But it is different with a spouse, especially if a person is not yet at an age to get retirement.

All that I want to do is sleep. After I get up and get my husband off to daycare, I just go back to bed and I sleep all day if I can. I just can't face anything. Lately, it has gotten worse and worse. There is so much around here that is broken. It is always something. I had a "flood" downstairs in the first week of June. The baseboards had to be removed and the floors pulled up off of the foundation. Holes were drilled at the bottom of the sheetrock. Then huge blowers were set up for days to dry things out. I was suppose to pick out a new flooring to be installed.

It is STILL all torn up. I just can't face having the contractors come in here to do all of it. Then, I had an electrical problem happen in the family room. Some outlets don't seem to work....like the one behind the TV. So I had to plug stuff into two big power strip things and the cords are stretched across the room to the kitchen. I taped the cords to the carpet with packaging tape. It has been like that for a couple of months.

The dishwasher just went on the fritz again. It is full of water that won't drain out. The toilets need attention too. One is leaking and the other keeps running and won't flush right. I have to keep taking the top of the tank off to flush it and then turning off the water underneath.

A long time ago, it became impossible to sleep with my husband in the same bed. But I couldn't leave him alone in another room either. So we started sleeping down in the family room on the sofa and the loveseat. We have been doing that for months and months. There is always pillows and crumpled up blankets laying around. We are both un comfortable.

Now, since we are downstairs sleeping all the time, I have stopped taking the clean laundry up to the bedrooms. It gets put on the dining room table or hung on the door to the laundry room. That has sort of become our "dresser" and "closet". God, we are like hill-billies. Everything is just such a mess. It is all cluttered and that makes me less inclined to have anyone over to fix things. I even have some light bulbs that have burned out in fixtures that I can't reach so I just have to live in darkness in those areas.

I am sooo depressed. There are no other therapists in this small town. I was lucky to be taken as a patient by the doctors that I have. But things just keep going on and on and not getting any better. Every time I get a small burst of hope and energy and I attempt to go forward with something, it either fails or something else happens. I can't get ahead of it or on top of it.

There is so many other things that I haven't even mentioned here. The yards need serious attention, the garage is a complete dump, I have car problems. I don't even have the energy to list all of it.

I just drag through every day. I really can't remember a time when I had a thing called fun. It is like that word left my life. Now the holidays are coming. I NEVER thought I would dread the holidays. My whole life, I always loved the holidays. Now it is just nothing. For the past three years it has been just nothing.

My health is so poor too. I don't have the strength to list all of that.

I just don't want to go on. It is too hard. I can't just survive for the rest of my life on memories. A person has to have SOME life. I just can't get out of this hole.

Dear ValGal,
I do so wish I could somehow make things right for you.
Please forgive me if this comes off at all insensitive or
holier-than-thou. It is not meant as such. Do you have
any churches in that small town of yours (or nearby
towns) that at ALL come close to touching the pain in
your heart? If you currently attend one and the pastor
and/or members there are not reaching you with their
message, do you think you could try experimenting on
Sunday mornings at different places?
I have not experienced the depth of pain you speak of,
but I had reached a place of such incredible negativity
a year ago, that I sought out a good church because it
seemed like that would be the only way to somehow
displace the negativity that I was drowning in with
something positive.
I was blessed to find an incredible church (non-denomina-
tional, contemporary--they play rock and roll instead of
the old hymns!)--and my Daddy (with AD) comes with
me every Sunday. The words that keep pounding in
my heart since then, but especially on Sundays when I
feel even more in the presence of God's love are
surrender and grace. When I go there
on Sundays and when I attend my small women's
group from church (another lifesaver--girlfriends), I
often cry a waterfall of tears. Not always sure where
they are coming from. But it somehow feels like I'm
gradually surrendering to God's grace, his forgiveness,
his unconditional love, his will and not mine. It is
cathartic and life changing.
I am only speaking for myself and just sharing in
the hope that maybe something in that will speak to
you. I will keep you in my prayers daily.
You have my contact info (from elsewhere).
Please feel free to use it any time.
Love in Christ,
Carol

Oh sweetie, I wish I had some answers for you. I know what it is like to be in the depths of depression. Somehow, I walked through it and came out on the other side but I really don't know how I did that. Even today I deal with it on a smaller scale.

If I could jump on a plane and be there today I would. I think you need someone to hold your hand and walk you through this. My heart just breaks for you. Isn't there anyone you can reach out to?

Oh Val Girl,
I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. Please, try to keep on fighting this. Let one of us call you. You need to talk to someone who is and has gone through somewhat of the same experiences.

I don't know the situation regarding your daughter, but I'm assuming she knows what's going on. I'm sure you have tried to reach out to her, Can you again?

Keep in touch with us as often as you can. We will all try to help you, a step at a time. Let us help you.

Love,
Jackie

We all feel so much for you dear VG, and will always do all we can to support you through anything!!! You know this I am sure, and from across the pond, I just want to reach out and put my arms around you and take the hurt away, if only for a little while.

I won't pretend to know how you are feeling, but all AD caregivers experience some form of depression. Lord knows I have. I just want you to know we are here for you and even if we can't walk in your shoes, we can certainly hold your hand. {{{{{hugs to you}}}}}

Valentine Girl, my heart hurts for you. I think the isolation of caregiving for a loved one with AD compounds the sense of loss and sadness--at least that's been my experience. I pray that your situation will ease in some way. (((((Gentle hugs)))))

Dear Val Gal. That is allot for anyone to grasp, and then you mix in depression, and wow, can we slip down hill. Forgive me if you have already answered this (I think I had left The Other Board, right around the time that you were joining) Have you looked to see if there is a "Live" Caregiver Support Group anywhere in your area? I think this would do wonders for you, and if not, any kind of 12 step group, they are free, and the people can be VERY kind & understanding. Co-Da, or Ala-Non, it doesn't have to be alchohol related?

I think it is the isolation that this Disease brings, that can really gobble you up. We all need to be around live, living, breathing Human Beings. I know my Mother was always so worried about me (well, before she forgot how to worry?) because I had practically "NO" social life here. I did join a Church that I love, it sounds just like Carol's, and it took me seven years to find it. But you know, it is the only PEACE in my life? When I am there, I feel like I don't have a care in the world?

I have also seen miraclulous things happen in Support Groups. Emotional healings, and transformations. There is something about just being 'heard' and although these message boards certainly feel like family to me too, we all need People, real people. Hope you find somewhere to really be heard, and cared for. It does not have to be your relatives, believe me, if it did, I would be in DEEP trouble!

Hang-In!

My dear VG, I am so sorry you are in this emotional pain. It saddens me that we can't just jump through our computers and just hug you and hold your hand while you just cry it out. Are you on any sort of anti-depressant medicine? I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please just at least keep talking to us, and letting it out. Someone that suggested a group of support in your area had a great idea. What about your local hospital for information and help? Blessings to you my dear, we are all pulling for you.

Valentine Girl, I know every nook and cranny of that hole myself. Believe me when I say, I hear you and I understand.

Depression is so very draining. All I can suggest is, take baby steps. I know it's tiring. If the whole list of what needs to be done is too overwhelming, then don't look at it. Make a very small list of things you can accomplish in one day, and then do just those things. Even if it's just ONE thing. If thinking about the future is too much, then focus on what you're going to do today. Block the rest of it out.

Matthew 6:34 - "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I wish I had some suggestions, but the ones above are good and I can't think of anything else. Of course, I am depressed myself (on Effexor ) so of course my creative thinking isn't up to snuff.

I wish we were next-door neighbors--we could have some coffee together and not look at our houses. I am also ashamed of the condition of my house---it's just a cluttered mess and I think my yard is the worst on the block.

I guess if I had to be honest, right now I am on some kind of autopilot...I can't let myself think too much about the future or even right now. I think very superficial thoughts, like "I need to get some coffee creamer at the store." Last week I tried again thinking deeply about things and I got really depressed. It is by no means a cure for depression, but it is getting me through each hour and 24 of those equal a day.

Dear VG,

I have no words of wisdom for you, nothing I could say to take your pain away.

I think I've gotten to know you a little bit (from the dark side -- aka the other forum) and you are a very strong woman because you DO make the struggle every day, despite what life has thrown at you, YOU KEEP GOING. That takes strength.

I am very proud of you, right now, this minute, this hour, this day.

Please stay with us, and pour your heart out. We are here for you, and we love you.

Dear Valentine Girl,
I can't say I understand. I haven't even begun to walk in your shoes. But I have coped w/depression. It makes you feel like you've dropped down into a black hole and have no idea how to climb out.

I'm just so sorry you're going through this. Wish I was there to wrap my arms around you and take a to-do list off your hands. Just to give you 1 day of respite.

My thoughts are with you and I pray for strength for you to hang on and hang in there. Your story makes me hate the disease even more.

Much love to you.

I want to thank all of you for trying to help me.

I honestly do try to help myself. For instance, I tried to set up some help to come in to clean. I know a gal that is very sweet that has come to help me a few times before.

But in order for her to clean, I have to get rid of the clutter. Anyway, she was suppose to come today after my therapist appointment. Yesterday, I tried to start clearing some things to get ready for her.

I had some things in the entry hall that I moved out to the garage. They were heavy. After I got done, I was pretty winded so I thought I would sit down for a while to rest. When I did, after a short time, I started having problems breathing and I felt very weird. Then my heart started beating really hard. I took my blood pressure pill and a Bayer aspirin and I laid down. I felt so bad all day that I couldn't do anymore.

I called the cleaning girl to reschedule until next week because I couldn't finish things. Last night there were only a few kids that came around for Halloween, thank goodness. After they stopped, I was absolutely exhausted even though I had rested all day. I could barely take my husband to the toilet and put him to bed.

As soon as I finished, I went to bed. I dragged through getting him ready for daycare his morning. I went back to bed. I called to cancel my therapist appointment. I slept all day. I only got up once to go down the street to get the mail (you know how they have the mailboxes that are for the whole block in one place now). Anyway, it is in front of the house next door but I could barely steady myself. I had to get it though, because I had not picked it up from the day before and the mailman will send the mail off-site if he can't fit more in the box. Then it is a nightmare to get it.

Anyway, that is an example of what I mean. I tried to take a step forward by hiring the cleaning gal to help me. And then I wind up so ill that I spent two days essentially in bed sick! It just seems like something always happens.

It is so discouraging.

But anyway, thank you all for your kind words. I really need them!

Val Gal,
The heavy lifting thing, I know what you mean. I was once able to lift anything. Then the ole back started giving me problems after a car accident. So, you have to start over now. Instead of getting the cleaning woman first, see if either you can get her to start hauling out some stuff for you, or see if you can get a young person from the neighborhood and give him a few bucks for helping you.

I used to clean my garage myself, moving this, moving that. It took me a day to recover after that. So I had a 13 yr old boy from the neighborhood do it the last time. I stood there and told him what I wanted thrown away and what I wanted saved. He put the saved in boxes, and the others in the garbage. Took him about 3 hours. I gave him $15. 00, and he was very happy and so was I.

So try to start from step one again. One day at a time, one piece at a time. My mom gave me advice many years ago when my children were young and I would have messes to clean or straightening to do.
She would say, "Don't look at it as a big mess, look at it at one piece at a time." So to this day when I have messes (and I do have them many times) I look at it as one piece at a time.

One room at a time, one piece at a time. You'll do it, and we'll help you. Wish we could physically!!

Love,
Jackie