I feel really lost today..

This is the first time in Gosh I can't remember how long
that I am truly 100% alone..

No laundry..
No meals to cook..
No beds to make..
No Bathrooms to clean after bath time..
No Bath time..
No calls from nurses saying they are on their way..
No dishes to wash after breakfast.. because there was
no breakfast..
No dishes to wash after lunch.. because there is no
lunch..
No I love Lucy sounds coming from the other room..
No adjusting the thermostat..

I promised BF that I would be OK while he was gone this
week.. But how am I going to be OK???

I feel so lost..

You'll be ok Denise. It has got to be a very lonely feeling. You wish for just five minutes of peace and when you get it you wish you didn't have it.
Will BF be gone all week? Do you have family that you can go to during this time, just for the company?
Turn on the radio or tv, anything to have some noise. The quiet can be deafning.
We are all thinking of you.

Thanks Joyce..

I know I will be OK.. this is just really strange and yes
the silence can be deafning!!!!!!!

All my family lives 7 hours away and to be honest
I just don't have it in me to make that drive.

I am going to focus on getting a job outside of the house ASAP
though. I don't think I can take being here every day now.

BF will be home about mid afternoon on Friday so he will
be gone all week. At least he is in the USA so he will be able
to call me in the evening when he gets back to his hotel room.

I did get out and ran some errands earlier and it felt
really realy weird.. I didn't have to rush to get home
to get BFM up from her nap.

I needed to get out of the house but the whole time I was
out all I could do was think how much I wanted to be home!!!!!

I went and donated the food I had just bought for BFM to the
church that we attend and I was a blubbering mess by the time I
got out of there.

I did leave there with a job lead though. Now if I can just stop crying and
call the people.

I thought about turning the TV on or the radio but it was making me crazy.
I have never been a TV person (well unless it is sports)..

There is so much I want to do.. I just can't seem to get past to lost feeling to actually
get it done.

I certainly understand, Denise. It feels that way for me sometimes still and it's been more than a month since Mom passed. Hang in there and try to do things you have wanted to do but couldn't due to your responsibilities. Even just one little thing may help.

If all else fails, your online friends are always here for you!

Oh Sweetie, I understand exactly what you are saying. In another week it will be three months since Helen passed and I am still lost. I do keep the TV on when I am home just for the noise. It took about a month before I could go out without looking at my watch every 5 minutes thinking I needed to get home.

Yes, you will get through this as we all will but that doesn't mean it will be easy. Your whole life has become wrapped around AD and caring for BFM. It's as though in an instant every thing you have become is gone. Now you are going to have to find out who you are all over again. The road will be hard with many tears and many valleys but we are here for you. Take our hands and let us walk this road with you. These are the times we need to cling to each other.

I know I will get through this and I know it wont be easy. It seems like I have had nothing but hills to climb and valleys to fall down into over the past almost 4 years..

I just keep asking myself over and over (mostly in the wee hours of the morning when I should be sleeping).. Did I do enough or what if.. I had done just one thing differently.. What if i had called hospice earlier.. even though I did call them and had them here during the afternoon of Sunday... and she was surprised to get another call so soon from me...

I realize that everyone has to grieve in their own way and somethings just take time.. but just when I think I have reached the hardest part of dealing with this disease.. whack!!!!! There is another even harder thing to have to deal with.

I have to ask.. will teh what ifs.. go away or will they be there forever?

Ahhh the what ifs. I still go through that. I don't know if you remember or not but Helen's hand turned black a few days before she died. I often say that because I chose not to have that treated, that I let her die.

Fortunantely our dear friend AnnR, has reminded me to think of what Helen would have wanted. What was the quality of her life. Maybe I could have prolonged her life but to what avail? Nothing we could have done would have stopped the inevitable. We all did what we thought was the right thing at the time. You did good my friend. Don't second guess yourself.

The "what if's" faded a bit for me in time. Those get exchanged for missing them so much as each day passes, for me. And even sometimes now, something will come up which used to make me cry, makes me even laugh a bit just to remember.

Dear Denise, it is Tuesday now, another day nearer your dear BF returning to you. The days may seem slow to you, but they will pass and he will be home again. Surprise him and do a little decorating as it may help to lift your spirits too.

I still go through periods of sadness too - Christmas being one of them. Memories of those who have passed and also those who are unable to be with me because of the distance between us tend to overwhelm both my DH and myself at this time, but a few decorations do help to lighten our mood.

It is still so early days little one, let the grieving process continue through it's stages, and may your dear BF and yourself have a few moments of joy and tenderness amongst the sadness you are both experiencing. Many soft and gentle {{{{hugs}}}} to you both my dears.

Denise,

Yes, you will get through this. So will I, but the road between here and there is very hard. We all need to travel it one step at a time.

Don't dwell on the "what ifs....." You made hard decisions out of love and a deep sense of what was best for BFM. So they were the RIGHT decisions at the time. You did what needed to be done with the information you had, and I remember very clearly how you struggled at times until you found your answer. You did your very best, and it WAS good enough.

When I first started getting out and about again after mom died, I felt a major disconnect with the rest of the world. Why were they going about their business when my mom just died????? And there always seemed to be a drumming in my head telling me get back home, you can't leave mom alone for so long..........and then I would remember, and need to go home before I broke down in the store. That feeling has passed for the most part, but I am still uncomfortable being out in public after being a caregiving recluse for so long. The experience changed me, and right now I'm the square peg that doesn't fit into the round hole.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Humble, heartfelt ((((hugs)))) to Denise and all of you
beautiful, loving ladies. I am so very, very sorry.
Carol