I just finished drafting a two page hand written (will type it) letter to my Dads wife, or widow. I know that ANGER is part of grief, but I think I have good reason to be, which is worse, because I think they call this righteous anger. I know she is probably sad, and maybe even grieving (maybe) but how can she even compare her few short years with my Dad, and her ability to deprive me of precious moments, with my flesh & blood, who loved me, and I loved him, and she KNEW it?

I don't even know if she is still living in their apartment, and I kind of doubt it. I know he was paying (all alone) $3,000.00 per month, and now that she has ALL of his money, and her kids just bought an $800,000.00 house within a few miles, last year, with LOTS of bedrooms, for...her...in case anyting happened to my Dad, which obviously did. He's DEAD!

OHHHHHHHHHHH, I am so damn angry. I want her to know, that I was advised that I should take her to court, but there is no amount of money that could replace what she stole from me, or to make it O.K. to ever see her face....again.

Please advise, and forgiveness, is not in the equation right now~

Sweetie, I know you are angry and you have every right to be. What I wonder though, is if sending this letter is going to make you feel any better. Somehow I doubt it. I don't have any answers for you. You need to find a way to release this or it will just eat you up. Life is just too short.

It helped a little, just to write it. But I WANT her to read it? I think, no, I know, that what she did is dispicable, and if I was a different kind of person, I would take her to court, and it WOULD get UGLY!

Why should she be able to get away with this, scott free?

I am planning yet another trip, to go see my Mom. She will be 85, on March 31st! Apperently Dad's wife, brought a couple of boxes over to Mom & Tom's house, full of Dad's...stuff. I asked Mom what was in it, and she said she hadn't bothered to look.(Of Course) I imagine it is anything that has "NO" value to her, like pictures of his kids, pictures that I have mailed to him, over these last few years, and one photo, that I framed, and sent. I guess I am afraid, if I do not get this off my chest, I may try to track her down, and scratch her eyes out!

Well, I woudn't do that, but I would "LIKE" to!

What REALLY gets me, is that she not only got all of his money, but my Mother took care of him, for the last 20 years of their marriage, with her Mother, my Grand-Mother's, money. So this VIAL woman, got three generations worth of money, (in 2 1/2 years!) in the mean time, I am facing bankrupcy, if my car breaks down, I could literally FREEZE to death, etc,

What does she do, put it all on her bed, and roll around in it, to keep her happy & warm? I just don't 'get' people that are so greedy, and self-centered. I wish I was one of them.

Sky,
I should probably just keep quiet right now, BUT, I never knew when to shut up.

I feel you answered your own question in your last sentence:

(there is no amount of money that could replace what she stole from me, or to make it O.K. to ever see her face....again.)

From what you've written, I know you are going through a finacially bad time right now. I just don't think by putting yourself through this that it will help you. You say you just want her to know what she has done. Don't you think she knows exactly what she's done. If she is the type of person to do these things, she knows it. No letter from you or anyone else will change anything.

Another thing, Sky, and don't get mad at this one. Remember I'm in mourning. There is no man, and that would have included Bill that would keep me from seeing my kids as long as I was capable of getting around on my own.

I've read a lot about your dad. I don't begin to think I know the whole story so don't yell at me, just ignore this. You've been a big help to me and I don't want to lose your help.

No letter is going to change anything so why bother unless is just makes you feel better by getting it out of your system.

I try to give advice, but the last two years my mother was alive, she was mixed up with some money hungry jerk. He tried his best to pull her away from us and if he had succeeded and taken everything from her, I'm not sure I would have written a letter. I probably would have gone straight to just shooting him.

I'll end by quoting daughter Catherine the first Thanksgiving after her husband was killed when someone said something about helping with the dishes. "I can't, remember, I'm in mourning". If you don't like anything I've said, just remember, "I'm in mourning."

Thinking about you, Sky.

Dear Sky,
I have no real advice for you. I'm a letter writer too. I always feel better when a thought goes down on paper. I keep my letters for two days and if I still feel just the same into the mailbox it goes.
If you father's wife was that kind of a person no letter, no matter how much emotion you pack into the envelop, is going to make a bit of difference to the way she lives her life. BUT if it will help you and make you feel better then go for it.
Take care.
northernlights

My mother always told me once things are written down on paper, it's there for anyone to see. This sage advice saved me from many a tangle.

Write a letter and then burn it. Do something positive for someone else in need with all this negative energy you have for this lady. You are wasting good energy and valuable time on the wrong person.

No, I am not mad Joyce, and I suppose, if I didn't know it was wrong, I wouldn't have 'outed' myself on this board. I knew no one would think it was a GOOD idea. I think what is the most upsetting, is the way this world works. The person with the most money, and the best attorney...wins...It doesn't matter who, was right, who was wrong, there is no justice. At least, I haven't seen or heard of any, in a very, very long time. I can not afford an Elder Care Attorney, and that is why my Mother has had to lve in squaler, lost her home, lost her car, and even if I could, THEY have more money, and could just wear me down, and out, then I would be homeless too?

I still hope & pray that some day, I can bring Mom home, to be with me, even if it is a pipe dream. No home, no dream.

TWO BOXES. Last night, I was thinking, that a man that had lived for 84 years, lost his Brother, and his Mother, his Dad left him them all when he was "4" and he lost friends, in WWII. He raised a family, and put two girls through college. Who knows how much he hated his job, but he felt we needed these things, so hung in. I had a horse, we had a boat, we had a good life. Now, his entire life, is in, what I can only imagine, two dirty old boxes.

I know that they are JUST things, but I also know, that all of you, that have been through this process, now how important your parents 'things' were, because they are packed with memories, and it is the only thing, you have left of them. Maybe I am lucky, because I have less things to go though, but I am not feeling...lucky.

My other dread, is having to go through those two boxes, in front of my Mother, and I will have to. I don't like to upset her, unnessarily, but if she finds me sobbing, over these 'things' it will upset her. (No Privacy)

The whole thing is such a nightmare, I just wish it would all go away, or I could re-wind the tape, and start ten years ago, without AD, other men, 2 new marraiges for her, one for my Dad, etc.

I just realized that after THIS trip, I will have traveled 36,000 miles, in eight years, and it is never FUN? It is to be sure my Mom is still alive. That she has clean clothes to wear, plenty of underware & socks. Be sure she is getting enough to eat, and hopefully, some what, healthy food. But truthfully, after all of this wear & tear on my body, and my heart, I don't think I have been able to help her, one damn bit.

I'm sorry to grab some forum time, for myself Joyce, but I am still grieving too. It has not even been three months.

Thanks you guys, I know you know what is right & just, but I also know you know how fierce we can get, when someone tries, or is successful, in hurting our loved ones. My Dad didn't have any way to get around. She drove him everywhere. He became completely dependent on her, for everything. He DID have dementia at the end, and I didn't know. He was desperate for a companion, so he bought one. They both knew what the agreement was. I know if my Dad had been a stronger Man, he could have stood up to her. But he wasn't. I guess I forgave him, for being a crappy father, a long time ago. I know he did the best that he could. And I had to, for my own sake.

You can grab all the forum time you want Sky. One week or three months, we still love them and wish we could have them back with us.
It doesn't matter how long it's been. We have a right to griev. Your dad loved you and nothing can change that.
TWO BOXES? Who knows what she sent. Nothing valuable is a pretty sure bet. But what ever is in those boxes belonged to you dad. A part of him.
And if you cry, Mom will probably pat you on the head and tell you "it's all right Honey."

You have enough to worry about with your mother. Don't let what you can't change interfere with that. I'm glad you're going to be able to be with her for her birthday. Give her a big hug and a kiss and tell her how much you love her.

Do you have your ticket to fly or are you going to drive? How long will you be able to stay? I can imagine how excited you are to be able to see her and see for yourself how she is. At least you still have a friend in Tom, don't you? That must make it a little easier on you when you're there.

Thanks for all the support you've given me and for the phone calls. I hope your day will become brighter for you. You take care.

Thank-You-Joyce. You are so kind, now I am in tears, and it does feel better. You are right, I do have my hands full with my Mom. I don't have my flight yet, but will definately, fly.

Tom & I are still on friendly terms, but keep in mind, he was the one that shot me down for the loan, I sorely needed (it wouldn't have touched HIS money?) AND he was the one to try to 'save' money (?) by having my Mom self-inject. All I can figure is, that this economy has hit him hard. Maybe he didn't have a good portfolio and ate it hard, with the stock market. (keep in mind that DUMP Mom lives in, is worth One 1/2 Million Dollars, just the dirt?) So NONE of it makes any sense. He probably has dementia now too? He is, 88!

The only reason I get along with him, is because I NEVER disagree with him, EVER! He is VERY stubborn, so I just hope he doesn't try this again, or anything like this, while I am there, because I will lose it.

At least I know that she will get her shot every day, if I am there. I only stay for 7-10 days now, because it is all I can bear (staying in that house, no showers, etc) I used to stay for no shorter than Three Weeks, once I stayed for Six Weeks, when Mom still had her Condo, and even that flew by!

No, my car is too big of a Gas-Hog. When the gas price dropped to below $1.50, I thought maybe one more time. But it is up to $2.00 and more now, so no, I will fly.

And, Joyce, you are right about Mom. If I do cry in front of her, which is rare, she kind of snaps back into my 'old' Mom mode. I guess I just kind of walk on egg shells around her, because I want her to be...Happy?

Sky,
I've been thinking about your letter that you want to send to your dads wife. If you remember, a few months back I emailed a letter to my brother and sister in law to let them know the day in the life of a caregiver. I had some concerns about sending it out, and I have to say, it really felt good to write it. Actually after writing it, I was even surprised that I did as much as that letter said I did.

I did send it out, with reservations of course. In the back of my mind I was thinking that my sister in law would be laughing as she read it, and I would have hated knowing that. I knew my brother would take it a little more seriously, for as bad as he was about coming to help out with Mom, I knew once he saw in writing, he would take it to heart. He actually did. He's been very helpful and cooperative. Even has cooked me meals.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that when you write the letter, print it out, read it and read it again. Then imagine "what's her name" reading it. Would it be something that you would be happy with knowing that she is sitting there laughing at what you wrote. Or do you think she would take it to heart and be compassionate and send you a letter apologizing for the wrongs. Only you know her the best to figure that out.

But I have to say, as much as people say that the money isn't important, if I was in the same position, and I knew there was money out there from my Mom or Dad, I certainly wouldn't want someone else to benefit from it if I couldn't also.

I think of myself, my husband and my own children. And if either one of us remarried, I would want my children upon my death to get my money, not the new wife or husband or the steps. It is the right way.

I have a friend that remarried and they signed a prenuptual. They both have one child each, and upon either ones death the children get their share of their father or mothers estate as if neither one ever got married again.

Basically you're the only one that knows how this women is. If you feel you want to fight for whats yours, and can handle the fight, then do so. If the only way you can get through this is to send out the letter, then do so. I guess the worse that can happen is you'll never hear from her, or she'll write you a "you've got to be kidding" letter back.

Make sure your ready for dissappointment rather than a wonderful response. Which will you be able to handle more? I think you and only you can answer that question. We can give you a few hints here and there, but no one really knows what they would do until their in the same situation.

Good luck on this, and think about it and then do what you think is the best for "you" and what will make "you" feel good.

jackie

Thanks Jackie. No, I wouldn't expect anything from her, except a restraining order she is Nuts & Selfish. I would take her to court, but between her, and all my Dad's money, and her kids, with all of their money (Millioniares?) I wouldn't have a chance in hell. And if my point was to make her feel guilty? (you bet) the kind of person that could do this to her Husband's kids, or any Human Beings, has no conscience. They have no problem sleeping either, soooo annoying!

Sky-
I am so sorry you are going through this stress. I say go ahead, write the letter, but instead of mailing it, put it in a drawer. If you are still upset and angry, write another, and put it in the drawer too. But I would NOT mail them. It is very doubtful this woman will respond the way you hope. She's not going to feel guilty. She could even feel threatened, and if so, take out a restraining order against you. That would not be a good thing for you; you have enough stress in your life. I know you have always tried to do what is right, and it hasn't always worked out for you.

Get angry, hit a pillow, pretend it is "her". But don't let the anger eat you up. It just isn't worth it.

Well, Flower-Buyer, I did exactly what you suggested, an put it in a drawer, unfortunatly, I may have done something....worse. I wrote my Mom's Attorney....an E-Mail. See new 'Topic!"