Mom's care center called today to report that last night at around 10 p.m., while getting her "fancy underwear" changed in bed, Mom grabbed a caregiver by the throat and squeezed really hard. Though Mom has always been into "physical play"-patting people's butts or tickling the back of their knees, etc--her tendency towards painful physical acts has been increasing over the past year. This is the first time she has assaulted someone in such a manner (she's squeezed my hand really hard before). I fear that a barrier has been broken through somehow and we've reached a new level. The daughter emotions in me--My mom's not that kind of person!--are in serious conflict with the mental health professional knowledge in me and frankly I'm a bit of a mess at the moment.

I know others have lived through this and it's just now my turn. I will live too. But it kind of sucks right now.

I guess my first question, as a daughter, would be how did the caregiver approach her? Maybe she scared her and it was a reflex action.
I wouldn't want to believe my mother would do something like that either.

Bill has grabbed my arm several times and there have been times, even now, that I am not sure what he would do and I am always on guard that he doesn't hurt me. I know he never would hurt me if he knew what he was doing, but that isn't the case any more.

What did the care center say about it?

The nurse who called me was very kind about it. I did ask what the response of the care center would be. He acknowledged that she could have been startled and this was the first time she had done anything of this nature and he thought that they would likely take a cautious "notify everyone to be cautious then wait and see" approach. I suppose that's the best I could hope for. I did ask how the caregiver was (having been on the receiving end of assaultive residents, I have sympathy)

I'm sorry Annaberry. One more indignity this disease grants our
loved ones--removing barriers like that. It sounds like the
professionals on hand are handling things very well, though.
I sure hope it was an isolated incident.
Hugs,
Carol

Annaberry,

I would also hate to think that my mother did something like that intentionally. We know that they have not ever had that in them to be mean. But I have to say, there's times when my Mom has given me a shove or two. And it's especially when I want her to do something that she doesn't want to do, or is not ready to do. And believe me, my Mom would be devastated to know she has done that. God, she never even hit us when we were kids.

So I would just think of this as probably another stage of this damned disease. It's heartbreaking I know, but I don't know that there's much we can do about that. I'm sure they will suggest some kind of med if she continues or gets worse with that, but I always fear that will make them worse.

Keep us udated with this when you can. I think we'll all be able to benefit from any advice you may receive. But I know one thing, when they get startled, or are not ready to do something, it does come up more often. And I have a feeling your mom just might not have been prepared to have her fancy underwear changed at that particular time. They might want to start giving her a little warning first.

Jackie

Jackie

I think the facility is probably just going to do as they say, be more cautious. It wasn't exactly like she ran after someone with the sole intent to hurt them and I think they probably understand the difference.

It is a shame when the filters are off - one night I put my mom's hand up to my cheek and she gave me a little slap! I was stunned, it didn't hurt that much but it sure taught me not to do that again!

When I visited Mom yesterday for the facility Christmas party, I talked to two of the day time CNAs that I know fairly well. They both knew about the incident. They were both surprised that I had been called and seemed surprised that it was even reported in an "official incident" way. "Was she hurt?" they asked. I got the feeling that they thought the other caregiver might have been making a mountain out of a molehill, so to speak. However, at lunch with Mom, she grabbed my hand to hold it and then started pinching my skin inbetween her nails. I had to tell her multiple times that it hurt and then pry her fingers open to get her to let go. I know she is capable of hurting people, unconciously or not, and that perhaps it take a while for the STOP signal to process in her brain. I'm still surprised that she grabbed the caregiver's throat, though. I guess all we can do is wait and be cautious.

Thank you all for your support.