My dear friends,

I'm so very sorry I haven't been on here. I read posts today, and will get back to all of you really soon.

I hope you don't think I'm silly, but I am really taking my Granny Nanny's death hard. She was on her way to my home that day. She had cancelled Friday because of weather conditions, and called me on Friday night to ask if I wanted her on Sat. I told her that yes, I needed her on Sat. as Friday was a bad day with Mom, and I needed help after the day I had had.

We always had an agreement about weather conditions, as I knew she took the expressway, and knew that times the roads are not always cleaned as they should be. But because I needed her, I guess she just put out of her mind weather conditions that day. It was not bad here by me, but where she lives, I guess it was worse. She was barely 10 minutes out when the accident happened.

She was changing lanes, went into a tailspin, hit the median, her car went back out into traffic, and she got hit on the drivers side door. She never had a chance. She had a lacerated liver, spleen, kidney, broken ribs, a brain hemorrage, and who knows what else. She was so skinny, she never had a chance. They say she died at the scene. For all that, when her daughter arrived at the hospital, the only sign of injury was a black eye. She said it looked like she was sleeping.

My number was the last call on her cell phone, so the hospital had called me. They asked me if I was a relative of Laura M., and I said no, but they didnt' tell me it was the hospital, only that it was an emergency, and they needed a family members number if I knew one. That was at 10:46am. She had already died, as the accident was at 9:30am. They would tell me nothing. I gave them her daughters cell phone number that I happen to have "just in case" but never thought there would be a "just in case". Not of this nature anyhow.

They also would not tell Laura's daughter anything as they said by law they couldn't and only that it was an emergency and for her to come to the hospital. I of course redialed the number from the caller ID, and found out it was the hospital, and insitsted they tell me what was going on as the daughter was so distraught. They said they couldn't. But then I asked to talk to Laura. Then of course I knew it had to be very serious, as the nurse on the other end said she couldnt' talk as she was critical, and the doctors were working on her.

It was another two hours before I had heard that she died. How I wish I would have had her not come that day. How I wish she would have told me the weather was bad by her. How I wish I hadn't told her that yes I needed her that day.

The wake is tomorrow night, and I know I have to go, but am just trying to find any excuse I can not to be there, but there doesn't seem to be any reason. I know that sounds like I'm a coward, and I guess I am.

On top of all this, as I think I've told you all, but not sure, I have a paralyzed vocal cord. They cant' find any reason for it, so they call it idiopathic, which just means no reason. I cant' seem to get straight answers on how me having a tube down my throat for my knee surgery on the 26th will harm it. So I am now investigating that, and have had to cancel my surgery, not only because of my throat, but also I now need to find someone that will be here everyday for two months till I get on my feet. And then someone that will at least compare to half of what my Granny Nanny was.

I'm trying to think that there was a reason for this to happen after my vocal cord paralyzed, that I was being told not to have the surgery until it cleared up. But boy, He sure could have told me a different way.

I'm sorry this was so long, and to lay this on all of you. I thought maybe if I wrote it all down, I could find some rhyme or reason for this all. But it seems I'm just not there yet. I have had so many people I cared for and have loved die, but I have to say, this has hit me so very hard. I just keep thinking of the what if's, and why didn't I do this, and why didn't I do that, and why didn't Laura call me, and did I pressure her into coming on a day that maybe normally she would have cancelled as she did the day before.

And of course having to cancel the surgery, and not feeling real well with my throat and my knee, makes my emotions run so much higher. I guess as I get over one of these things, the rest will come. I sure hope so, as I feel like a wet noodle and not real proud of myself for basically feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks guys, thanks for listening. You don't have to respond, as others here need you much more than I do right now, and I want you to be there for them first. I guess it will just have to be something I'll have to work out on my own and get my mind back on track to more important things than sitting brooding all day.

love to you all,
Jackie

Jackie, OF COURSE it's not silly for you to be taking her passing so hard. I remember the first time you posted about her and she sounded like an angel. She took such good care of your mom and really became a good friend to you.

Please also do not blame yourself for this. I know that's easy for me to say, but please don't. Everyone here is keeping you in their thoughts. I'm also sorry your surgery was cancelled. I'm just so sorry for all of this happening at once.

Jackie,

It's good to hear from you. I've thought about you every day since the accident. Please don't blame yourself. The what if's are the hardest to answer.

I'm sorry you had to cancel your surgery and your throat problems. We all need each other here, and right now you need someone for you. I wish there was something I could do other than pray. Prayers are great but sometimes a little TLC helps, too.

Jackie,

How easy words come so often, but this tragedy has left me searching for some words that would offer you a little comfort, understanding, sympathy. All that keeps coming to mind, my friend, is that I am so sorry.

From your posts, it was so obvious you and your Mom were blessed to have your Granny Nanny for the time God gave her to you. When I think of that time, a smile comes because of the unconditional love you each had for the other. That, my dear Jackie, was the true blessing God gave each of you to share. Perhaps that love will bring you some comfort in time.

I can hear your pain when you write about the "what if's." My belief is that no "what if" I may have can have the power of nor alter God's destiny of another. If I can stay focused on that, then the "what if" has less power over me. I like to feel when that happens, then I have finally stepped aside and gotten out of God's way instead of trying to run the show for Him.

I also think you are right about the postponed surgery and your throat situation. There are no coincidences in life, only reasons, which we often miss because we are not open to them. And on occasion, our bodies, even outside circumstances, shine a light so we can see what is needed.

God will place another loving G-Nanny on your path, Jackie. I am praying for you and your Mom that it will be soon. Besides, as much love as there was between the three of you, Laura will be sending you all kinds of signs to help you make the best selection.

May peace settle upon your heart.

With love and prayers,

Joyce

Dearest Jackie,

I just got on this morning. I'm so very sorry Jackie about your dear Granny Nanny, so sorry. Jackie, there are no accidents in God's economy, no if's. I am hurting with you and for you, and will pray that God will make all things clear to you. Allow yourself to grieve your loss, but don't feel guilty, she wouldn't want you to and you wouldn't want her to if the tables were turned.

Many big long hugs to you Jackie dear,

~Kelly~

I'm so sorry for what's happened. I'm praying for her family as well as yours.

Kat

Jackie,

{{{{HUGS & prayers}}}}}
Take go*d care, Shaye

Hello all my dear dear friends,

Well, things are going much better now. I don't know if you all realize that you had alot to do with it. Reading your words of comfort and support was more than I could ask for. You are all truely amazing. I don't know what I would have done without all of you.

My Granny Nanny, Laura, will always have a special place in my heart. I think of her daily, and the joy she brought into my mothers life and her eyes. When she walked in the door, Moms eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. This is the woman that wanted nothing to do with a "baby sitter"! Everyday since she mentions how she lost her best friend, cries a bit, and then forgets. This morning she told me that she thought of Laura all night and couldn't sleep. And how could something like this happen. Strange that she remembers this so well. I guess Laura really made more of an impression on her than I even realized. I'm glad she has memory of her and of the good times she had with her, and that's a good thing. I wish she could forget how she died though, as that upsets her. I wish I could forget how she died.

I have cancelled my knee surgery. One of course is because Laura wont' be here to care for Mom, but also I just still see it as a sign because of my vocal cord. I did check with an anesthesiologist that's a second cousin, and she said as long as I make the anesthesiologist aware of the problem, it will be okay. But I still wasn't comfortable with having it this soon.

My brother and sister in law wanted me to go ahead and have it, and they said they would come everyday and take care of Mom and me, but I still was not comfortable having the surgery until my vocal cord heals a bit more.

The tentative date is going to be March 9th, although they are suppose to call me to see if I can have it done a little sooner. I've had this pain for almost a year, so I guess another 6 weeks wont' be too bad.

I am going to be interviewing a lady on Monday. She seems so very nice on the phone, and seems like she can be flexible as Laura was. She will be available by next week to work 2-3 days, and then once I have the surgery, come every day. I want to get her into training before I have the surgery. The lady that set her up with me will also be on stand by if this lady cant' make it one day. Its not an agency, but a personal recommendation from a friend of mine whose mother had Alz. and passed away about a year ago. So I cant' ask for anything more reliable.

She will not be my Granny Nanny, as that title will always be Laura's. But I hope that Mom can get close to her and have another person to call her friend. I guess she'll just be the lady that watches mom. I am very postive about tomorrow after talking to her. Her name is Joan, and the other girls name is Valerie.

So once again, thank you all for your prayers, hugs and concern. I love this forum, and I love you all!!! I never in a million years thought that people I've never met in person could make me feel as good as you all do.


Love to you all,
Jackie

Jackie, it was so good to hear from you and hear you sounding well. So glad you already have another option for help with your mom, that's great. I'm also glad you were able to make a firm decision on your knee surgery and feel good about it, that helps to have that solved.

You take care and have a good day,

~Kelly~

It is good hearing from you Jackie.
I really hope Joan and Valerie work out for you.
Take care of you right now.