I have always been one for writing things down and now I am coming across notes I wrote to Bill when he was still able to read.
Yesterday I was going through a spiral notebook and came across notes I had written to Bill when he was in the hospital after having a stroke. The stroke was Nov. 13, 2005. In the note I was telling him where he was, what had happened, where he lived, what time I would be back, listen to the nurse, don't pull the heart monitor off and in one of them I was telling him who I was and how long we had been married. Guess I'm saying this because I can't believe that he had started forgetting who I was that long ago.
Can you imagine how hard it would be to live with a stranger and depend on them to take care of you. It's no wonder we see the look of fear in their eyes.
All these forgotten notes remind me how hard it was, both for him and for me. As much as I miss Bill, I thank God that his pain, fear and suffering is over and he is once again whole and happy and hopefully waiting for me.

I know what you mean. It makes me wonder now if I should have kept all mine, but one day I just couldn't take looking at them anymore so I threw it all away. I had always dated them too. It's so sad to see the progression--in writing.

Oh, I strongly believe Bill is waiting for you with wide-open arms. And I also believe he knows now what you did for him, and would have done the very same for you. No question.

A while back, Mom was staring out the window and solftly said to herself, "The husband goes to bed and then he's gone. Then the wife goes to bed and she's gone. That's how it is..." Joyce, then she smiled and hummed, "Mmmmmmm." I'm telling you, it was like Daddy just hugged her heart or something. I saw it in her eyes!

I know you can't feel Bill in the physical, but he's always in your heart, hugging you. I just know it. I do.

I believe he's with me, also and I know he's waiting for me.

My notes were never meant to be a journal. They were a way to help Bill remember things and to tell the aides or volunteers what was going on or what to do. If I had written them all in the same book it could have been called a journal. But they are written in partially used spiral notebooks. Just depended on where I was sitting and what was closest to write in. So they show up everywhere. They don't bother me when I read what I wrote but they remind me of what Bill had to go through and make it easier to understand why God chose to take him home. He had suffered enough and it was time for him to rest.

I remember when our son died, our daughter was only a year older than he was. She was nine at the time and to explain why he died we told her that he had been sick for a long time and the doctors couldn't make him better so God took him to heaven so He could make him well. I believe that's what God did with Bill, too.

Joyce,
I'm so glad you told that story about the notes. I used to write little notes to Mom too for example to let her know I would be up in her bedroom soon as I was done doing dishes and things like that. But now that she's in hospice, I think I may write her a few notes and ask the girls to do the same. It may just comfort her knowing that although I'm not there, my notes are, and also may help her with meds and such.

As always you have so much insight into this disease and continue to educate me. Anymore info you can pass along, I'll take. You and Bill were so blessed to have each other. I know he's looking down on you proud and lovingly knowing that you are still helping us deal with this.

Thank you for sticking this out with us all.

love to you,
Jackie

Jackie,
You have no idea how happy I am that you took that step with your mother. How are you doing? Probably walking around in circles wondering what to do. Our whole life was wrapped around caring for our LO that we have to learn how to live all over.

Although Bill was home with me, I got on my computer and created a collage (9 x 12) of familiar faces with the person's name and relationship. Bill looked at it quite often. I think it helped him remember at least for a little longer.

How is your mother handling the change? Let us know. If you still have my number, give me a call some evening.