Oh, YEAH! I needed some 'good' news today, and this definately qualifies!

Glad to hear you are in a good phase right now. It gives you some time to re-group. I lived for those times.

Joyce, I'm so glad you are in an "upswing" at the moment. Those times are truly Godsends. Sounds as though respite might be a real possibility again. For you, I hope so, my friend.

And, thank you, Lori and Judy for your comments on my poem. I wish I could get myself moving to do something with them. I'm very much in the "flurry of activity - stop all activity" stage, which means I really don't get much done at all. If I ever do, it will be because of encouragement from you guys.

Take care and have a uneventful, restful evening.

Joyce

joyce:
I enjoyed it as well....

As much as I dread the day this ends, I hate seeing Bill the way he is right now. His entire life depends on me moving him from bed to chair and back. He spends his day sitting at the table pushing cards around and wiping the table off. This is no way for anyone to live. he doesn't know me, the kids, his home or even himself. When it's over he will be whole and with all our LOs who have gone before. He will be with God and not living the non existing life he has here. Now when I pray for this to end it is for me and not for him, because I will be the one left behind to continue without him.

This is a down morning because Bill is going through another change after two weeks of doing good. I put him to bed Thursday night and he was very restless. He shredded two diapers within a half hour of me putting another one on. I finally gave him 1mg of ativan and he fell asleep at 10. It's now 6:30am on Saturday and he is still asleep. He's slept from Thur. night to Sat morning. Still no signs of waking up. Maybe later this morning he will it's still early for his regular wake up time. The aide was here yesterday and he opened his eyes. Between the two of us, we got his diaper changed and washed his bottom. We changed his t shirt and hospital gown. He was asleep before we finished putting his gown back on. I don't think he even realized the aide was here. I roused him up enough to get his meds down him by disolving them and using a syringe. I didn't bother with the noon meds. All he takes then is his seroquel and I didn't think he needed that if he was sleeping. I did get his night time seroquel down him but that was all.

Even if he doesn't wake up, I still have to try to change him and get dry clothes on him. I hope I can get some response from him and maybe just a little help.

If he doesn't wake up this morning, I will give hospice a call and ask if I should do anything. He was so good when the nurse was here on Thursday that it was almost comical. At one time she was going to take his temp. by using a thermometer that you just press against the temple. He swung his arm at her and she stepped back and told him she was just taking his temp. He just looked at her and said "That's stupid". The nurse and I both started laughing.

I'm telling myself that I am waiting until seven to try to wake him, but I think really, I'm afraid he won't wake up and he'll be soaked and then I will have to struggle to clean him up while he is sleeping. I see some movement on the monitor so maybe he's waking up. Gotta go check.

He woke up and I was able to put a dry diaper on him. It was wet but not soaked like it usually is in the morning. I hadn't changed him since around noon yesterday. Didn't need to. I got him to take a few sips of juice and about 1/4 cup of coffee along with about 1/4 cup of apple sauce with meds mixed in. He is already back to sleep. Less than 1/2 hour awake. He did give me a smile and a hug while he was awake but that was it. But I'll take what I can get or what he can give.

Our granddaughter called me last night and ask if she could come over and spend the night with me. So I will have some cute company tonight. Guess we'll have to make some brownies while she is here. Then she can take them home because I'm not a brownie eater.

Joyce,
If anything puts me in a better mood and frame of mind, its the grandchildren. I'm glad that your granddaughter called to come and stay with you overnight. How old is she, and how does she react when seeing Bill? Maybe thats just what he needs to is a little one to keep him awake a bit.

Gosh Joyce, when I read your posts, I shudder to think if I could do all that you do. Just the physical part let alone the mental has got to be so straining. The other day while driving, I said out loud in the car, what is the purpose of having my mom go through this? Is it for me, is it for her. If You want me to learn a lesson, can't You teach me some other way?

I just find the purpose of all this pain and suffering for our loved ones so very confusing. When Mom came out of bed last night after only being in bed one hour, and thinking it was morning already, I walked her back up there, and ended up just sobbing. Many time's I can't think quick enough and told her she had only been in bed an hour and that it wasn't morning. The look on her face was awful. What is the point of making someone feel that way? I just don't get it.

There are just some questions that will always go unanswered. But if I could get one wish right now, it would be to get that question answered. What the heck will I be asking Him when things really get tough?

Hang in there dear friend. We're here to listen and help you in any way we can.

Jackie

Joyce,

I know you must be exhausted. This disease is so draining on the caregiver as well. Your post reminded me of what I called the "always" mode. Seems as a caregiver, you are "always" on high alert, "always" waiting on the next change to occur, "always" waiting for sleep or awake time to begin or end, "always" ready to give the necessary meds, "always" wondering when the roller coaster ride stops and dreading the ride being over for so many different reasons yet having moments of wanting to get off...you know all too well the 24/7 drill.

My heart goes out to you, my friend. Enjoy your granddaughter tonight. Who knows, you might even take a bite of brownie! Idea: have a brownie party. Take one loving granddaughter, place one piece of a 3"X3" cut square of brownie fixed by the two of you onto a paper plate, place one candle in the square, light the candle and sing to your granddaughter "You Are My Sunshine." When you are through singing, each one of you take a bite of the brownie. Now, by taking this bite to make this a memorable occasion, YOU DO NOT BECOME A BROWNIE EATER BUT YOU ARE MOMENTARILY A BROWNIE TASTER! Just imagine how pleased your granddaughter will be that you crossed the imaginary line in her presence, with her! That will be a memory only the two of you will have to share. Now, my friend, that is quite a treat!

Love, thoughts and prayers to you,

Joyce

it's noon and he's still sleeping.

I can't sing "You Are My Sunshine" to my granddaughter, Joyce. That's the song I sing to Bill all the time. It's "our" song.

The granddaughter is 10 and a real sweety. She is real good with Papa. She will go up and give him a hug with no hesitation except to make sure he isn't going to get mad at her.

I've crossed that imaginary line so many times with the grandkids that they wouldn't know what to do if I didn't.

I have wrestled with my grandson since he was small enough for me to handle. Now he is almost 15 and 7" taller than me and we still wrestle. Only now I have to remind him that I'm old so he can't hurt me. I've climbed trees, looked for wild blueberries, gone fishing, played football and every other kind of ball there is. We've played pool and turned cart wheels in the front yard. They believe grandma can do anything. When I told one of them about a bear coming into the yard and tearing up my bird feeders and that I made noise and chased him away, she relayed the message to her mom that a bear tore up grandma's birdfeeders and she slapped him and made him run away. If mom and dad tell them something they will come and ask grandma if that's true.

The person who first said grandkids were the best, knew what they were talking about. They can light up the darkest day just with their hug and smile.

Dear Joyce. After reading all the emotionally draining, heart-wrenching stories, this one line brought a *smile* I guess it doesn't take much to make me happy, if only for a moment, these days.

He did give me a smile and a hug

Thanks for sharing. I think your Grandaughter befriended me on Facebook? She is adorable!

I'm not sure what she did SKY, but I agree she is adorable.

It is amazing how little we require to make us happy any more.