Why does mom only latch on and remember the bad? Anything good is like it never happened but the bad is right there in the front of her brain. She remembers and rehashes over and over making life really hard. What can I do to change this or deal with it on my end. Help.

Linda,

I don't know the medical explanation for what you're asking, but I do go through the same thing with Mom, and this is what I've been able to come up with.

I've noticed that on days that I'm in a bad mood, and a little sharp with my Mom, the bad things seem to come up alot more with her. Although they forget, the things you want them too, they don't. So I've found the more pleasant the day is, and believe me, I do have to fake so many of those, the more the bad things don't come up.

As far as rehashing things over and over, I've found this to also be very hard to control. In listening to many others on the forum, you're suppose to try to change the subject and lead them on to a more pleasant time or conversation. Although it's not always possible, it does occassionally work. And sometimes I have to leave the room, and go make a bed, or pretend to, or do a load of laundry, and just let Mom go on and on until she gets tired of rehashing.

Now of course this is all easier said than done, and it takes concentration and alot of BS at times, but it can work. Patience was really never one of my better points, but I have to say, in order to save sanity, its better to try, and not drive yourself crazy.

You'll find a little at a time the things that sets your Mom off, and avoid them. Try to be aware of that, and it can make life much easier on you.

And Linda, can I make a suggestion to you? Although we have all these different topics on ADCaregiver, most of our conversations are usually under General Discussion. I know, then what are they there for? Well who knows, but I almost missed that you had posted something, as there's not always anything on those topics.

Our members are very quick to answer and help, and we all need help asap. So post on general discussions, and you'll get alot of feedback from everyone.

You'll see that many will have more suggestions than I did. I've only been doing this for 2 years, so I to am still learning day by day. Wereas many of our members have much more experience.

Let us know what else we can do for you, and come here often and rant and rave and cry or just tell us how you are. We all listen really well. And we'll be depending on you also for suggestions. WE give, but we take too!!

Jackie

Hi Linda,
I can hardly add anything to Jackie's very thorough reply!
(Now watch as I launch into one of my loooong responses )
I have an opinion on why our LO's tend to focus on the bad.
I've noticed with my Dad that, though his memory
of events, people, places, etc. is getting sketchier and sketchier,
his memory of events and people associated with tramatic
periods in his or our family's lives are much more complete.
I think that sometimes bad emotions are stronger and get
a more tenacious grip on us when we experience them.
Maybe because we often experience them on so many more
levels than just the mental level, and that's why those stick around
longer. For example, Daddy cannot remember that I've been
in my house for umpteen years and cannot remember his
grandchildren's names and has a harder and harder time with
his children's names, but he inevitably remembers the fact that
I am recently divorced--and that's a recent event, something
they are supposed to have the hardest time remembering.
On a nicer, but related note. Daddy has been forgetting
my name more and more often. One day in church, I began
weeping--silently, but it was quite a lot of tears. My dear
sweet Daddy reached over and held my hand and rubbed
my hand with his big strong thumb--just like he had done
when I was a kid and upset. He may not know my name
all the time, but the love is still there, and he has that still
in his heart.
I'm sure your Mom has that love for you still in her heart,
as well. It's just so tangled up in those negative feelings
and memories that it can't easily be expressed. But hang
in there. And keep loving on her. And hugging her. And
telling her that you love her.
God bless you both--
Carol

Linda,

I forgot to welcome you to our wonderful support group. You'll love the help and support you will get here. Our moderators, Carol and Lori are always around to keep this a safe place to come to with no controversy. And our head honcho, Aitan, is always here too, to answer any questions you may have about technical things. Plus he has a grandmother with AD, and is very knowledgeable in many aspects of it. He's a fine young man, and loves being only one of two men on the forum.


When you have a chance, go to Caregiver introduction and tell us a little about yourself and your Mom. We'd love to hear from you, and we will help in anyway we can.

Jackie

Hi Linda,

First off, welcome to this site. Lots of great info a friendship found here:)

What meds is your Mom on? Any antidepressants? My mom was having episodes of sadness and despair (certainly can't blame her for that) and we had the dr. prescribe a mild antidepressant for her. It helped to make her journey through AD a bit more tolerable for her.

I am a strong supporter of antidepressants because I saw the way they helped my mom. She cried frequently and asked to die daily. Of course we couldn't blame her but the mental toll it took on her and the toll it took on my dad to have to hear her cry and want to die was heartbreaking for him as well. To put her on a medication to subdue those feelings a bit was worth it's weight in gold and cut down the stress somewhat making things more manageable. My mom was still functional, never kept in a zombie-like state and able to live out her last days relatively happy and comfortable as best as we could make her.

Mom's dr. started her on a small dose and increased it slowly as needed. Maybe this is an avenue you could think about going with your mother as well. Let us know how things go.

Welcome to the forum, Linda. This is a great source of info and helpful hints, and has the added benefit of being a safe place to release your anger and frustration over this awful disease. Everyone here has similar feelings from time to time and we know how much relief there is in "talking" to people who really understand what life with AD is like.

What kind of bad things are you referring to? Displeasure and anger on your mom's part, or bad things that have happened to her or overwhelming sadness on her part?

Like Snickers, I am an advocate of anti-depressants. My mom, too, would cry every day and ask to die. The emotional strain on both of us was almost unbearable. Mom was already taking an anti-depressant but, obviously, it was no longer effective. We changed her medication and the difference was like night and day. As the disease progressed, other medications were added to alleviate her restlessness and inability to sleep, but she was never "doped up." And I was able to care for her in my home (with the help of hospice) until the day she died.

So, make a note of the things that are troubling mom and have a talk with her doctor to see if there are any chemical ways to dilute her emotions while allowing her to continue functioning at her current level.

Come back as often as you can. This is a wonderful support system and we take care of each other.

Hi Linda,

Are you the sister of M...? who I met in WA at my daughter in law to be's bridal shower? If so, welcome!! You will be blessed by the people here, by their wisdom and kindness. Please go to the introduction section and introduce yourself when you have time.

My mom is just like yours, she is very negative, but never used to be. One observation that my sister and I have made is that she is "emotion smart" to an extent. About 99% of what she says does not make sense, and she talks a lot, and she does not understand what is going on most of the time, but she is somehow in tune with emotions. Just Sat. morning the girls and I were crying because Amber's dear friend's mother died. My mother went immediately to my desk, picked up the imaginary phone and started to make phone calls to inform our loved ones of Mrs. M.. death. That is what my mom always used to do, let everyone know, who should know so that they could be of assistance. Then, as I was writing to my sister and crying my mom who is usually frustrated with me, hugged me! Ohhhh, I had my mommy back for a few short seconds.

She is also very aware when I am frustrated with her. I don't have to say a word, which I ususally don't say anything when I am frustrated with her, she just knows. The other day when she wouldn't go to the car with me at Costco and I ended up having to call my dad to tell her to get in the car, I put a big smile on my face so that she wouldn't see into my frustrated heart. She told my dad right then on the phone that "She is always so nice to me and she is smiling really big". But, had I had no expression on my face she would sense my frustration and then act worse. The good part is that smiling helps me feel better and to gain perspective. It is a strange thing that she "senses" feelings.

AD is a bizarre, frustrating disease that just does not make sense so keep coming here for advice on how to handle different situations. One thing I did when I joined was read, read, read the old posts so that I got a sense of how this all works in people's lives. Other people's experiences will really help.

Must run but glad you are here with us, even though it is such a yucky reason.

Blessings to you,

~Kelly~