I need advise on how to handle mom when she has a past memory and thinks it is real. Mom has a real problem with dogs, and we have, she won't let her in the house and would really like it if we just got rid of her. The problem is that she had a flashback to when we first moved back here, yesterday. Lucky, the dog, was used to being in the house with us and immediately ran inside and was looking around. Mom blew a gasket and we had to teach her not to come past the front door. Yesterday she remembered that and tried to tell me that Lucky had come in the house all the way to the bathroom and barked at her. I know this isn't true because I was outside playing with her at the time mom had the memory. When I told her that Lucky was with me she got mad and told me not to call her a liar. I told her I didn't think she was lying but that it couldn't have been Lucky because we were outside playing. When I tried to explain that it was the AD and a past memory things went from bad to worse. I finally realized that I was the problem and treating mom like she still had some logic and cognitive ability left.

Here is the question. How do you train yourself to just agree and not try to treat them like they are still alright and able to reason things out? Or, how else do you answer something like this. She has been accusing us of letting the dog into the house more and more lately. Where is this coming from and how do we deal with the situation? Help.

It's not easy to stop trying to reason with an AD person. My only advice when she accuses the dog of this is to just tell her you are sorry and you will make sure it doesn't happen again. I understand how frustrating this can be but it beats arguing. You will never win.

I can sympathize with you on the reasoning attempts, Linda. I desperately
want Daddy to get on board with my own reasoning and logic, but it
often doesn't happen. When it does, it takes quite some time and
a real effort. I think Lori is absolutely right. Keep it short, simple,
agreeable, and pleasant... then move on... change the subject...
distract distract distract. Good luck.
Carol

Linda,

Funny you should post that today. The last few days have been like that with Mom with many many things. Today I had my five year old grandson over, and I put a dvd in for him. He wanted to do some crafts also, but I don't allow it in the family room. So I set him up at the kitchen table where he could do the crafts and watch the dvd also.

Mom wanted to watch Price is Right, so I told her to go in the living room, as my grandson was watching the dvd. She kept on insisting he wasn't watching tv but doing the crafts. I tried to explain to her that yes he was doing crafts at the table, but also watching the dvd. She just couldn't understand it. She huffed and puffed and finally went into the living room, and everytime I went in there to check on her, or ask her if she needed anything, she was so mad. Actually came out and told me how could I do that to her when it was clear my grandson was not watching tv, but playing at the kitchen table.

I got so mad, I told her she was selfish and childish, and how could she act that way with a child.

WE had a big episode on Sat. also, and of course again, I tried to reason with her. This one lasted from 10am until 5:30pm. She just wouldn't let it go. I tried to ignore her, to reason with her, to redirect her, everything and anything everyone has suggested, but she had a certain thing in her mind, and wouldn't let it go. I even told her I was sorry, and that she was right about this certain thing (too long to explain) and that still didn't help. If it hadn't been that my husband and I went out at that time, I'm sure it would have continued. But I had Granny Nanny coming to sit with her, so I was able to get away from the situation finally. Granny Nanny said she was fine after we left. Never another word about it.

So where does it come from, who the heck knows. And what do we do? Don't know that either except to say that eventually they do forget about a certain situation. Of course not quick enough for me, but both things she has already forgotten.

But I do know that they cannot always win either. I could have convinced my grandson to not watch the rest of that dvd, he is so easy going he probably would have said ok. But sometimes it seems that the more I let mom win with things, the worse she gets. So maybe in this situation with the dog, you should do what you normally would with the dog, and just try not to answer her at all.

If you find any easier answers, let me know, cause I am also at my wits end with her. I keep telling my husband I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do this. It's so terrible mentally.

jackie

Boy, sounds like you and I have the same mother. My has the ability to hold on to things that really make her made though. She brought up the thing with Lucky again today. I just told her she was right and let it go. I just have a problem with doing this in more ways than one. I have a problem with lying and I seem to be doing a lot of that with her the worse she gets and I don't think it is right for them to win all the time either. Part of this is the parent/child relationship and just plain rebellion on my part but some days it is hard to keep under the lid.

It has been harder this week too because my husband has been gone hunting. Today is the 6th day he has been gone. The dog usually goes to work with him so she is gone during the day. This week she has been home 24/7 with me.

It would sure be nice if all AD people were the same so that there would be some consistency in how to deal with situations that come up during the decline.

I am right there with you though there are days when I am not sure how much longer I will be able to do this. I have however learned to take things minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. Anything more than that is too much to think about.

Hi Linda,

I can completely and totally relate to what you going through, we went through this all the time with my mom. Just the other day at the facility my son and new wife were visiting and Mom called her Kelsie, but her name is Keslie. Understandable, but when I told her her proper name she insisted that David, my son called her Kelsie, not Keslie. I doubt my son called his wife by the wrong name!!!! but I couldn't convince her otherwise. Now, don't get me wrong, I RARELY argue with or correct my mom, learned a long time ago not to do that, like Lori said, you WON"T win.

For us, this was a constant problem, so I HAD to learn to change my thinking so that I could do what was best for Mom. For me, I had to almost visualize myself going "limp" and just giving in totally, giving in with my brain not really my body, I just kindof visualized it like that. When I say limp, I kindof mean totally relaxed, rag doll like and on Mom's wavelength, not my normal take charge, get things done, let's go mentality. That really helped me, and it helped me not use the babylike tone of voice that most of us do when we play nurse and take care of someone. She hated that, I knew I was doing it, but it took a lot to learn NOT to do it. I had to really relax all over and just act non-chalant to get into the right tone of voice with her. It was so funny to listen to my sister using that babylike voice when she came. It took a lot of work for her too, not to use it.

I learned to agree with most everything she said. The only thing I wouldn't agree with her was when she (constantly) accused me of stealing everything she owned, or my children, husband too, once in a while!! Anyway, if she asked when the plane was coming in, even though the plane wasn't coming, I gave her an answer. It made no sense to me to try to find out what plane, to explain that the plane wasn't coming, because like Jackie's mom, when my mom got her mind made up, NOTHING could change it and she wouldn't stop on that issue for what seemed like forever.

My dad had a much harder time with this, he is a man and has a hard time thinking outside the box. I felt sorry for him because he would try so hard to find out what mom was talking about, and she didn't even know. Many times when Mom was standing between us and she would make a statement or ask a question and she would be looking at him and he had NO idea what she was talking about, I would be shaking my head "YES, YES" as hard as I could so he would just agree with her. He was beginning to learn how to do that.

Just agree with her for her sake and ultimately yours, our LO's are not capable of reasoning anymore and sadly our deep, interesting conversations are a thing of the past with them. I miss my mom!

Take care Linda, this is a really hard time,

~Kelly~

Oh Linda - the lying, yes the lying. I had and still have a big problem with that. I never realized how well I can really lie. Many times I start the truth, and then make up a lie. It's just that there's time when I just can't think fast enough and I don't lie really well.

Nothing consistent about this disease thats for sure. The only thing consistent is that my Mom is really taking my mental stability right along with her. I know its not her fault, its mine, but you would think after 2 yrs. of her living here, I would be a pro on how to handle her. She was never "allowed" to be stubborn or right with my Dad, and I swear, it's all coming out in her now. Sometimes I look up and say, Dad, what the heck did you do to her. Look what she's doing to me, its all your fault! And of course that gives me something else to feel guilty about when I do that.

I hope I can start taking everything minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. Because I think alot about the future, and I have to say, it's scaring the hell out of me.

IF it wasn't for this forum, I don't really know what shape I'd be in right now. And of course my husband is my rock too. If I didn't have his support and patience, I don't know if I could have survived these last few years.

Thank God for all of you

Jackie

When my mom was still alive, I would just agree with her and do the opposite thing when she wasn't looking, if possible. Trying to reason with an AD patient is like trying to nail jello to the wall. Not going to happen.

Mom didn't give us too much of a hassle. She was pretty good-natured and for that we were fortunate. She did get owly once in a while though and stuck on certain things. WE just let her think she was right and we did what we were going to do in the first place. She usually forgot about the entire situation in minutes anyways. We didn't do it to be cruel. We just knew we were fighting a losing battle.

All you can do is agree and go on with your life as best you can. To try to reason, argue, explain, or anything else is breath wasted.

Daddy, who is going to be 82 next month, keeps insisting
he's gonna be 90. I finally backed down on that one and
am just gonna give him a wonderful celebration. Not sure
where and how he got that idea, but stuck it is.

At the last psych visit, during the part where I go in alone to discuss what I'm observing, he told me "you have to keep in mind that she is completely unreliable when it comes to giving you information" and I've found that to be true. My mom is at a point now where she really has no spontaneous conversation and anything she does say is only directed toward something she needs or wants.

If she goes to put on her pajamas and I ask if she's going to bed, she will say she is staying up. Next thing I know, she is getting into bed and shutting her light off. It is almost like she says one thing, but what she wants or needs is exactly the opposite.

Oh my God Judy - my Mom does the exact same thing! I swear mine, Linda's and your Mom must be triplets. They all three sound like they all do the same things and are at the same stages. So wierd to find 3 mothers that act exactly the same way. Would love to see the three of them in the same room together!!

Jackie

Thank you everyone for your insight.

Hey Judy and Jackie maybe we should try to get them together. Are your mother's German? There are so many things that I could compare notes with you guys about behavior. Mom just about goes into orbit if there is one spec of lint in the kitchen garbage can when we go to bed. "It might stink up the house", or, "Those windows have to be cleaned right now there is a smudge from the dogs nose", and, you're right about the opposite thing. If I try to anticipate what she is going to want or need based on past history I am always wrong it will be exactly the opposite. There are subjects that we just don't discuss in front of her anymore they are, money, home repairs, family problems, and certain people. The topics are just to volatile.

I just want to say again that I really appreciate this site. You have all been a big help, even in the short time that I have been a member. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

My mom's Irish, but I think all 3 of us are at similar stages in the disease. My mom never thinks about money anymore. We only had 1 time where she discussed driving. We are in a pattern now where at least a couple of times a week, she is waking up at 5 am and getting dressed for the day.

I heard her again last night and when I opened my door, she was standing in the hallway with just her Depends, tennis shoes and a shirt on. I asked her if she was getting up and she didn't answer, just walked into the bathroom. I waited in her room to see what she was going to do and when she came in, she went right to the closet to get clothes. I told her it was 5 a.m. and that she looked tired. I helped her put her PJ pants on again and got her into bed. She said she wasn't tired but 30 seconds after I closed the door she shut her light off and went to sleep - woke up at 12:30 p.m. GO FIGURE.

She also MUST hang everything up. No folding and putting in a drawer. She also hangs up dirty clothes, so I constantly have to go through the closet to find the dirty ones.

My mom is doing that exact same thing! If she gets up to go to the bathroom, she often thinks it's time to get up for the day, so she'll put on a tee shirt and sneakers with her pullups. Other times she takes off the pullups and just puts on her tee and shoes. Sometimes she puts her nightgown in the wastebasket along with her pullups; the other day I was in a rush to put the trash out and forgot to check, so I accidentally threw one away.

This past week she's been more argumentative than usual. One day she refused to go to daycare. The next day she balked when I suggested she put on a clean pair of pullups. The day after that she jumped all over my poor husband, who is the absolute soul of patience, when she couldn't find me (I was in the bathroom at the time).

Although she knows my name, she doesn't remember our relationship, and sometimes she thinks I'm a child (just not hers), maybe because I'm short and tend to be soft-spoken. The other day she told me to go "play" in my room.

I have found that if she balks at something (a bath, change of pullups, etc) one time, she may cooperate later, so I try to remember that and stay flexible. About 30 minutes after she got agitated about changing her pullups, she'd forgotten she'd refused and was quite willing.

It is exhausting, though, and I try not to think about the future too long--the thought is overwhelming.

Grits--I bet you wish you COULD just go play in your room... for a very, very long time!
Ya gotta smile at that one!
Carol