Is everyone else having as hard a time as I am with the holiday? Everyday just seems to get worse. I have been wallowing in self pity for the last two days.

My niece called and asked me to dinner for her daughter's second birthday. I declined because I just didn't feel like being social. The thing is, I can tell you exactly what I did one year ago today. I got Helen showered and bundled up, put the scooter in the car and we went to the Indian Pow Wow. Helen bought a ring and then we went to my nieces for dinner.

It's strange but until recently many things have been a blur. Now I remember days so vividly that it's as though it was yesterday. I remember wishing so hard just for some alone time. Now that's all I have. I am actually thinking about breaking down and checking into hospice's bereavement group. Just thinking of it mind you. I doubt I will fit in there because AD is such a different disease to go through but I don't know what else to do.

I know, Lori........and jeez do I understand, you know I do.

I was at Mom and Dad's the other day cleaning and thinking about last year at this time and how we were putting up their tree and decorating. I looked over at the corner where we used to put the tree and even searched for some stray tinsel. Yes, I had found some. It was a reminder of what was once that will never be again. Then I start talking to Mom and Dad, telling them we are supposed to be decorating, not cleaning out the house to sell it. That it isn't supposed to be this way. Then I fall apart and fear I am going to lose it. This is a sick punishment to have to clean out a house at Christmastime. I will never be the same again.

I longed for "me" time. Now I would give anything for one more day just to tell them everything I wanted to say. Mind you, I would never want them back and suffering. None of us want out LO's back if they are going to suffer. Just why does this have to hurt so badly and for so long? I thought it would get better and so far it just gets worse.

I think, in the end, when everything is said and done, I will be moving to WI to be closer to my daughter and the family she will someday have. She wants me closer and I would like to be nearer to her. My job is gone, I have a few friends but I can come down and visit them and all this town holds for me is sadness and misery. I loved this town once upon a time but no more. This is my past and I need to have hope for a future.

I am trying so hard to find some joy in the season. At every turn, I find none. Death, no money, loss of my job have just got me down. I am hoping it will slip by this year with as least pain as possible. I hope that for you my sweetie and for everyone else on this board whether they have experienced a loss or not. We are all hurting in some way which is why we are here.

God, help us to find joy in some form this season and a type of peace and understanding that will carry us through our darkest days. Enable us to not only celebrate Christ's birth but also our loved one's lives and the blessings they have brought to us. Amen.

Coping? Heck no. I'm good at pretending I am - most days.

Am I coping? Yeah, for the most part.
Am I coping well? Emphatically NO.

I'm ignoring. I'm avoiding. I'm running away from my thoughts.
But the sadness overshadows everything I think and do.
No matter which store I go to I always see something mom would have liked.....but I can't get it for her. That pretty much ruins every foray I make to the store.

The only reason I'm making an effort is because I have young g'kids, ages 6, 4 & 3. And I see them almost daily so it really does matter how I act around them.
They don't understand why granny's so sad -- in their very limited view of the world "gram" died a looooong time ago.....before Halloween even!!!!! LOL

DH did the outdoor lights yesterday.
Tree still isn't up. Even though I tell myself every day that I'm going to do it TODAY. I always seem to be able to find good "reasons" why it wouldn't be a good day.......e.g......I need to vacuum first..... I need to play with the dog.....I'd rather read.....I'm too tired.....I need to do laundry.....great reasons, huh?

No joy this year. No excitement. No anticipation.
Just dread. Let's get this over with and move on.

I was already struggling with the holiday season before BFM left us..

Now? No I don't want to cope with the holiday. Can we cancel it?
Will we get through it? Probably!!!!!!

I had already told my daughter that I was not going to put up a tree this year.
She thought it was sad, but understood how hard it was last year for me and
how confusing that blamed tree was for BFM.

On Monday evening my next door neighbor brought over food and a poinesette
plant for BF and myself.. That will be the only Christmas decorations that I
will have.

Heavy sigh.. maybe next year!!!!!!