Hi,
Thank you for creating another place to come for advice, ideas, support, etc.

My mother passed away a year ago May, and my father still lives in the house in Phoenix. He is very lonely and spends a lot of time watching TV. He called one evening and asked what I thought about him selling the house and moving to Tucson (where I live). I told him it was a wonderful idea, and I would help him accomplish that. I toured many assisted living places and found the perfect one.

I brought my dad down for the tour, we had lunch there and got to speak to a lot of people. He really loved the place and all it had to offer.

Now for the hard part. He says there is so much to do around the house before he can sell it. It is 100 degrees out now so can't do any outside work. Then he goes on to say why should he pay to live there when he can live at home for free.

I reminded him that I come up each week to cook for him and make sure his medication container is filled correctly, and that it would not only be easier on me, but he would be able to be more involved with us, activities, his grand daughters, etc.

He says he will think about it, but that's as far as I can get. He needs to be down here where I can attend to his needs more often. As it is he calls me everyday to tell me what came in the mail, and that he is confused my the bills etc.

He still have very much of a voice, and is still very independent. He drives, goes to church, barber, shopping, etc. Will it come to a point where I tell him what he is going to do? I'd hate to do that, but he needs to make a move soon. His doctor even told him to try to move in the next 1-3 months. That was 2 months ago.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Ms. Jane,

I can empathize with your situation because I recently went through something similar with my grandmother. She was diagnosed with AD about 2 years ago, but it has progressed rapidly. Ever since I knew her she has always been a stubborn and independent woman. Now with the disease progression we are finding it hard to reason with her at all. A few months ago we tried to get her to understand that she needed help with her activities of daily living (bathing, dressing, etc.). Her denial makes this situation very difficult. She sometimes forgets to dress herself and walks around the neighborhood in her bra and underwear. Furthermore, my grandfather is 80 years old, and can't keep up with her hyperactivity and agitation. She continued to refuse home healthcare, and the situation became very tough.

Some people with dementia are easier to manage than others. Their personalities greatly differ, and from my experience these personalities are enhanced with dementia. To answer your question, there is a point where the individual with dementia can no longer make decisions, and sadly, but thankfully, they cannot put up a fight. Unfortunately, this occurs during late stages, making the moderate and severe stages difficult to manage. With my grandmother we eventually brought someone in to help her, but by this time she did not understand who this person was.

You need to analyze your situation. You have already tried to reason with your father, and found this didn't work. His situation will not get better, and moving him into an assisted living facility is probably what he will need eventually (I am not sure of his current stage). I think living closer to his family will make his transition much easier. Perhaps you should consider going to see him, and explaining to him in person that he needs to transfer power of attorney to you. You will then be able to make these decisions for him. I know it's tough to tell him what to do because you probably still view him as the father you knew, but the harsh reality is that he is sick, and not able to reason as he used to. He needs your help in making these decisions for him, the decisions that you will eventually have to make anyway.

I hope this helps you. Best of luck, and keep us updated on how this unfolds.

Hi Miss Jane,
Your Dad and mine sound a bit similar, though mine has already made the move into an ALF. What worked for us was the fact that I had a change in my household that precipitated Daddy offering to move in to "help out." I didn't need the help, but it sure created a perfect opportunity to finally get him out of his apartment/condo (we were just waiting for some awful crisis to happen!). He lasted only a few months with me and my 10-year-old son--lots of inappropriate anger and behavior on his part--and then he himself brought up the idea of moving into an ALF. My point is, that by putting the move in terms of HIM helping ME out, he was able to make that first, big move. It sounds like you have a little of that going on already when you tell your Daddy that it will be so much easier on you to help him if he is nearby. Play that part up! Good luck, and God Bless,
Carol

Ms Jane:

Can you convince your Dad that it would be much easier to get the house ready for sale if he were not living there? Sorting, packing and moving out of your home is daunting for anyone, but for those with early AD or the elderly, this is an impossible task for them to accomplish.