I've been doing pretty good and thinking that I was handling this grief thing fairly well, considering. When DH was scheduled to go into the hospital for his heart problems, it seems that my pretty facade just shattered and I can't seem to get out of this depression. DH did well, and his prognosis has greatly improved. For me, each day seems to spiral down into a dark hole where "missing mom" is all that penetrates. My computer is in "her" room and I find myself sitting here with tears silently streaming down my face. Nothing in particular set me off, I am just so very sad.

I'm actually not dealing with anything. I don't have a car so I can't go to her house to clean it out -- and I DON'T WANT TO. My son and his wife have done everything there so far. But there are some things they can't do, athey need my touch. But I can't do them either.

Mom's clothes still remain in her drawers and I cannot bring myself to box them up. I've gone in there a few times to get "emergency" clothes for my grandkids (mom ended up very tiny) and each and every time it is too painful to do anything but grab an item and slam the drawer closed again. Each outfit holds so many memories. She was always so pleased with the clothes I bought fher and loved the pretty patterns and bright colors.

I need to have a big crying jag but I won't let myself lose control to that extent because it will 100% guaranteed trigger an asthma attack. So the tears just keep leaking a bit at a time but all the pain stays inside. I can't allow myself any major kind of cathartic cleansing because I still like to breathe.

I'm rambling but there is just so much pain. My family would listen but they have all moved on and can't understand why I haven't also. So I put my thoughts down here and hope it will make me feel a little better. And I cry my silent tears so I don't have to explain them to anyone. And I hurt. Too much, not enough.

BTW, I already take an antidepressant. Guess its not helping enough.

My heart broke reading your post. I understand so much how you are feeling.

I just started taking antidepressants. They have changed my whole world. Perhaps your dr. needs to give you something different or increase your dosage. There is no reason to suffer like this. I hope you can talk with your dr. soon

I am almost done cleaning out my parents house. It was hurtful and drove me even deeper into a depression. Go at the task in your own time and if possible, have someone go to the house with you. I had no help whatsoever and it was pretty rough. I had to start immediately after my parents passed and that made it so much harder. I have had to step away and regain my bearings. I will get back at it in the next week or so and finish up so I can move forward.

Is there any way you can move your computer out of your mother's room? Or, if not, perhaps you can get someone to help you clean out that room and make it a bit cheerful so you can deal with being in it. Make it your own again, and surround yourself with things you love. Pictures, plants, flowers and maybe change the furniture around.

Soft hugs to you. I know how hurtful this all is and my thoughts go to you. Take care.

Dear Karenlee,
I'm so sorry, sweetie. Please don't beat yourself up over this.
And if you are afraid of that cathartic cry and the asthma it may
trigger, maybe try a preemptive puff on the inhaler or two...
then let it all go. (This works for me when I have to rake leaves.)
(((((((((((karenlee))))))))))))))
love,
carol

karenlee,

You are so right. Sometimes it seems as though I'm in control of the grief and the next moment, I not only don't have the grief in control but not even my life. Sometimes it can be a horrific roller coaster ride with the deepest of deep valleys. One thing I've been thinking about lately - if I view the highs and lows as a roller coaster ride, then, as with all rides, it will end at some point. I just have to hang on until then. It's taken me six months to come up with that thought, but at least it makes the grief seem to be less "never-ending."

I wish you peace. I wish you joy in your memories. I wish you openness of heart so you may feel your Mother's presence.

With love and prayers to you, my friend,

Joyce

Thank you Snick, Carol, and Joyce for your comments. You do know how it goes, the ups and downs, and the "ride" that just never seems to end.

Being without a car has kept me at home and it's just like the "old days" when I was caring for mom and couldn't get out. I'm sure that's compounding my depression, but I am in no great hurry to get my car fixed and get back out into the world. I am becoming very fond of my isolation, and find myself withdrawing more and more.

I have had other losses, including the loss of my infant daughter, and I can promise you that was so much worse than losing my mom.

But............................losing my mom seems to be so much harder to "get past."

I'm convinced part of that is due to my mom being the only and last connection I had to my childhood. There is no one left to tie me to that time of my life and it seems as if maybe it never happened. There is no one left to say "remember when..." My dad died in 1985, my closest cousin in 2000, my brother in 2002, my only close aunt and uncle in 2004, and now mom in 2007. There is no one to ask...............no one to correct my memory.....................

I'm feeling very sad and alone.

Karenlee,
You have heard from the best of the best, so there's only thing I would like to say. Although we're not truly family here, we are a family, and are always hear to listen to you. Hopefully we can help you even just a little not to feel so alone. Please come to us anytime you feel the need. And you don't need to just come on Death and Dying of a Loved One. Come on the General Discussion too, and you'll find that we'll always be there for you.

Take your time. When you're ready to go to the house, you will. There's no time limit on grieving. When your ready to go to do whatever you have to do, you will.

Again, come and talk to all of us whenever you need or want to. Most of us on the forum understand what it's like to loose a loved one. Not necessarily to AD, but just a loss. We'll always be there for you.

Jackie

Dear Karenlee,

I'm so very sorry about your mom. My sister's only daughter, 23 yrs. old, daughter's 5 week old baby, and son-in-law, were killed by a drunk driver and another young man racing one another going 100 mph almost 3 yrs. ago. My sister didn't initiate anything for a year. She went to work, did her job, but that was it. She didn't make a phone call for a year but she did answer the phone. She said she couldn't go through her daughters things for a long time, but eventually she was able. She asked me the same things many times. She said there were just some things she couldn't deal with.

Please don't be hard on yourself, you are grieving, and it really is a process. Just take each day as it comes and let yourself grieve, it takes time as you well know from loosing your little one. You aren't alone and I'm sure your grandchildren really need you, give them lots of hugs!

Take care dear one,

~Kelly~

Jackie and Kelly,

Thank you for your kind words. I do feel like you are my extended family and it truly helps to be able to let down my hair (so to speak) and say some of the things that are on my mind..............and get feedback. This feels like a very safe place to me and I thank all of you for maintaining that comfort level.

Yes, I know grieving is a process, and there is no time limit. Some days are just so much harder than others, and it feels like the grief is never going to end. But I know it will. Been there, done that. Could I just buy the t-shirt and get on with my life?

Kelly, your sister endured a terrible tragedy and my heart goes out to her.

Thank you again just for being here, and listening, and making time in your own busy lives to care about a virtual stranger. The feeling is mutual -- I care about all of you a lot

Sweetie, i wish there were magic words I could say that would ease your pain and make everything alright again but we both know there just aren't any. All I can tell you is that I understand. {{{HUGS}}} my friend.

Karenlee,
My heart truly goes out to you! I do understand how you feel.
I still have not even opened the door to BFM's room. I know that I need to get
in there and go through things. But for some reason I just
can't make myself do it.

I thought that once I got a job and got out of the house a little more
It would help me feel more like taking that final step.. Boy have I been
wrong about that.

I wish so very much that I had the right words to say to you that would make
things better for you, but I don't.. all I can say is what ever you are feeling
is OK!!!!! You have to grieve in YOUR way and in YOUR time. It doesn't
really matter what others think.. the feeling you have are yours and your alone!
However don't ever lose sight that this is a safe place where you can express
how you feel without feeling like we are passing judgement.

So many thoughts and hugs are being sent your way.

Lori and Denise,

You've both been there, and you know how hard it is to get through the grief. I'm so glad I have friends here who truly understand what I'm going through. I know my family loves me, but they all have very busy lives with young children and have had to move on...................while my life remains in limbo while I try to figure out what I'm supposed to do now without mom to worry about and care for. Being her caregiver became my identity, and I'm trying to find Karen again. I know I eventually will, and I have no timetable of expectations.
You are all a wonderful source of comfort and support, and I hope I am able to give back even a small portion of what I have received from everyone here.
Thank you for listening.
Thank you for caring.