OK, this is a subject I wasn't sure which forum to post in.

Since my DH was diagnosed I do NOT like occasions like birthdays and anniversaries. Oh, for my kids and Granddaughter I do. Just not for DH and I. Why?

Well, I guess I have some sort of "Block" about being able to enjoy ANY celebrations whatsoever with DH. Matter of fact I down play everything as much as possible so that it hopefully goes by unnoticed. I think deep down I am so disappointed that DH can't remember events that I must be sheltering myself from disappointments by telling myself he won't remember anyway, and if anyone should remind him I wouldn't feel that his acknowledging the occasion was sincere.

Today I'm 47. My kids got up for school this a.m. and both told me Happy Birthday, discreetly. They seem to know I prefer DH not even be aware of it. He gets into this "I have to go buy something." It has, in the past been something expensive, useless, something I never would have gotten myself anyway. And sometimes he treats me so childishly, or keeps looking for me to get excited about something I'm just NOT excited about.

I've gotten e-cards and phone calls, and I just go out of the room for my calls so as to not let on to DH that people are calling about my b-day.

How do others feel about those holidays/occasions when taking care of their ADLO~ living with Alzheimers taking over your life? Are they more important or less? i.e. more meaningful or not?

Just wanted to wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

For right now, my mom does OK with holidays, so we are celebrating them just like we always have. One thing we've thought about, that's kind of sad, actually, is that my mom is what holds the family together. Everyone goes to where she is for the holiday. When we get to a point where my mom can't handle the big family gatherings, then, well, I don't know what will happen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I do what works for the family right now, and try not to worry about what the future holds.

Dear Srndpty,
It has to be the hardest thing caring for a spouse with
AD. My Dad "doesn't do birthdays" anymore... not for
many years. We all got used to it. My heart breaks for
you in your situation, though.
Please accept my profoundest, most heartfelt
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y
possible.
I wish I was as talented as some of the other people on
this board and I'd put up an incredible graphic of some
sort! Oh well, no can do. You do have my thoughts
and prayers, though.
God Bless.
Carol

First, Happy Birthday!

My mom doesn't understand the concept of holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries any more, but we still observe them, probably because it's important to me--I think because I want some semblance of something being "normal."

Last Christmas we put up a tree and ordered a holiday meal from one of our favorite restaurants. On Christmas Eve (the night we traditionally have our big meal and open presents), I set the table with her good dishes and nice linens. We all enjoyed the food, and even though she didn't know what it was for, she liked the tree and she enjoyed her gifts (nighties and a new top or two).

I think I might feel differently, though, if it were my spouse who had AD rather than my mom. It's hard to watch a parent struggle with AD, but I think watching a spouse would be harder. I think you ought to do whatever brings you the most comfort.

((Birthday hug))

dear Srndpty
Ann

First off, I hope your birthday was as happy as it could be under the circimstances.

I have given a lot of thought to the holidays this year and we are just going to do nice but simple. I am also going to take in bits and pieces of the holiday season and not overload. I just can't do it this year. There has been too much loss to try to generate a fake smile or put on an act. I've never been about me but this year that might change. If I am not up to doing something, I will politely bow out and hope for better days ahead.

My dad's birthday is 11/23 and mine is 11/21. We had celebrated our birthdays together since I was a baby. We always celebrated on his birthday. This year is going to be tough. I am meeting up with my best friend and we are going to dinner ourselves as she lost both her parents too and her birthday is 11/20. This year is really going to be different in so many ways. I will have to search to find some kind of joy this holiday season but I know I will find it somewhere.

Happy birthday sweetie!!!!

I really never cared much for birthdays myself. As for the other holidays, once we moved here, we went to my niece's house for Thanksgiving and the weekend before Christmas. I never really got to enjoy myself. I was always busy fixing Helen's plate, cutting her food, taking her to the bathroom and trying to get her to stay put.

Christmas day was just the two of us. Last year we didn't even put up any decorations or even a tree. There just didn't seem any point in it since she didn't even know it was Christmas.

I'm not going to decorate this year either.Why bother when I'll be sitting here alone anyway. SIGH.

Thank you all for the "Happy Birthday" wishes. It was really a noneventful day. Got e-mails and calls from the sisters, and calls from Son and DIL, and StepD.

Thanksgiving the last couple years has been good. A SIL (brothers widow) has hosted us. Christmas, well its a holiday I used to love. Still do for its meaning, but at the same time it is when I truly miss my Mom. As all have heard before, DH was diagnosed just a couple months after we buried Mom, but he was becoming a real handful almost immediately after she died. I was most angry and resentful because I felt DH was denying me the time to grieve, and that he was not compassionate. I know now of course that its due to AD. That doesn't change that holidays are still a drag. The official diagnosis of dementia came on Halloween 2005, a day before my birthday. This is the 3rd year DH hasn't remembered birthdays.

I didn't mean to imply that I don't like birthdays, Period. Just mine and my DH's.

I do know this Christmas is going to be far more difficult for more of you all. Lori and Snick, I'm gonna really be thinking of you two this season. Snick, I'm so glad you have a friend with a b-day so close to yours that you can be with. This is so close to having just lost both parents. I imagine there is still a "numbness."

I'll be thinking about ALL of you.

Diana,
Happy Belated Birthday to you! I sang to you in another post like Alfalpha, so I'm not going to do that to you again.

Holidays? Could take them or leave them. Mom doesn't seem to enjoy most anymore. And if she can't enjoy them, then I don't much either. Birthdays same thing. She always says, "Oh, it's just another day".
So when it's my birthday, I have to tell her it is, and she just says "oh, happy birthday, I'm sorry I forgot."

So I guess to me right now there less important. When it's an occasion of course where the grandchildren are involved, I try to make as big a deal as possible, especially for their birthdays.

I don't know if theres a right or wrong way to act or think around the holidays or birthdays. I do know that it's not like it used to be, and probably never will be. But I guess everything has to change huh?

love,
Jackie

Happy Belated Birthday.

I quit getting excited about my own birthday about 35 years ago, so to me, it's not a big deal.

What always "got" me and actually, was quite funny, is that my DIL and I share the same birthday, and for the longest time mom could remember HER birthday (DIL) but NOT mine!!! Oh well.

Diana, Happy Belated Birthday to you. Nice to know a person my age on here! So sorry though for the difficulty you have, I cannot immagine caring for a spouse with AD. How old is he? I probably read it in your intro, but have seen so many come and join us I cannot keep everyone straight! Blessings to you.

Hey, I'm 2 years younger than you and had my Bday last Sunday. My brother took all of us out to eat a couple of days before, so mom was aware of my birthday, but on the actual day she had forgotten, which was okay with me. I have minimized birthdays for myself for years anyway. This is the first year she's actually forgotten, though, so I guess in a way it's a landmark of the disease progressing. My brother made sure there was a present from her to me so she had something to give me when we went to dinner.

As far as Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, I have to work on both holidays, so she is going to go to my brother's house for one or both of them (if she will go, that is). Because I tend to have to work on all holidays, they've been minimized also in our house too, so it's not going to be a big deal this year either. I do remind her about presents, big days coming for my siblings and my nephew and we get presents from her for them.

Belated birthday wishes! When my Dad had alzheimer's we had to simplify our celebrations. He would get more confused and nervous is there was a crowd, even just having all of the grandkids there for very long was too much.
We had three years of birthdays, holidays, etc. with him. I remember trying to figure out what in the world I could get him for a gift. His last birthday I got him a big chocolate chip muffin. He loved it. It felt strange giving a guy a muffin for a gift but he had no interest in anything but food.

After my father and brother passed we toned down our celebrations. We would have our meals together and just have a relaxed and quiet time together. It does change how you feel about celebrations (or at least it did for me.)

Be gentle with yourself.

Diana,
I'm with you on birthdays for myself and Bill. I would just as soon let them pass. He doesn't know what day it is and it's just hard to celebrate.
The kids will call and say HB. They use to be secretive about it because Bill would hear them and feel bad because he forgot. Now it doesn't mean anything to him even if he hears them say it.

As for holidays, Thanksgiving is a day I get to have all the kids and grandkids home and I love that. Christmas is a day to spend money, that we can't afford. That one sounds like Scrooge, doesn't it?

For me birthdays and holidays are a thing of the past.