Sleep. What a beautiful word. I wonder if that's why mom isn't sleeping. She will fall asleep sitting up on the couch, when I try to lift her to lead her to the bed, she will lie down, but is immediately up and saying she isn't tired. I told her there is nothing going on that she's going to miss.

My brother came to pick her up for her usual visit. Evidently, he at some point changed his mind and is taking her tomorrow (Monday) and this was not communicated to me. We had a screaming (well, just me screaming) fight on the phone Saturday night because he said it was an "insignificant" detail. I told him I must be stupid because I was calling to ask him if he thought I should get her a pair of tennis shoes without laces and I don't even know when my own mother is going into a nursing home!

Things are now resolved as far as that goes. I will post tomorrow about her admission (I will get it second-hand) and I am going to visit her Tuesday morning.

A little off-topic, but Howdy, I bought my Mom Lace-Less Tennis Shoes, and she LOVES them. I bought the same pair for myself. They are called "Sketchers" I bought them for her to avoid the embarrassment, of her not being able to tie her shoes, which I know is, just around the next corner.

Continuing to pray for you and your Mom.

Judy,
How'd it go with Moms admission? You ok? Just letting you know that I've been thinking about you. I know how very hard this is for you my friend. Hang in there, we're here for you.

Jackie

Shaye,
So very nice to hear from you. Thanks so very much for the thoughts. Give us an update when you have a chance on what's going on with you. TAlk soon.

Jackie

Jackie and Judy,

Keeping both families in my thoughts and prayers.

Jackie (and anyone else who can give some insight), according to the NH, she was doing fine the first day, no crying at all. I went this morning and when I went into her room and she saw me, she burst into tears. She was crying so hard. I don't know if it was because I remind her of home. Any time I held her hand or hugged her she cried and said she didn't like it there. I know it must be so confusing for her. I had to run out and get some nicotine patches for her (that's the other issue she's dealing with, no smoking) and I was just bawling in the parking lot because my heart was breaking.

A nice man who was visiting his mother stopped and told me it would get better. She ate lunch while I was getting the patches and when I went into her room she started crying again. I just quietly explained that it was safer to be here with people who are up 24 hours a day to help her, but she would just cry. I'm afraid tomorrow it will happen again, but I am going anyway - I cannot let her think I have just left her there.

My brother DIDN'T come today and supposedly he will be there tomorrow afternoon. I was there today for 4 hours and then when I was trying to figure out how to leave, my sister-in-law and nephew came in with their dog, so she stopped crying then.

She was trying to say things like "be strong" - I think she was talking about herself. She talked about smoking a lot and saying she wanted to go home so she could smoke. Then she said she wanted to see her "boys" which I think are the dogs, only 1 is a boy and 1 is a girl. I am bringing 1 Friday and the other Saturday. I have just cried off and on all night while I was working.

I called the home again at 7 to see how she was doing and they said she had eaten dinner and she was fine, no crying. I don't know if that is just something they tell people or whether it's true. I think maybe seeing me is harder because I took care of her every day for 2-1/2 years. I don't know, I am just so sad and guilty and I feel horrible.

Oh Judy, I am so very sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how very hard this is on you. I can tell you one thing though, Mom is home but she thinks she's not. Everyday she keeps saying to me "when are you going to take me home, get me out of this place." She seems to be in later stages than your mom at this point, so I imagine that's why.

It also seems that when I'm in the room at especially the times when mom is more aggitated and crying, she does much better if I leave and let the caregivers handle her. So the girls at the home may very well be telling you the truth that she stopped crying and is basically ok.

As far as the guilt, I won't say to not feel guilty as it seems like it is a common trait for all of us caregivers. I feel guilty about so many things that I have or have not done over the past three years with Mom. And people can tell me until their blue in the face not too, and I feel what I feel. We don't have anything to feel guilty about as we alway do everything for them out of love, but somehow its always there.

But please know that you, me and everyone else that has gone through this terrible disease have to make choices that aren't always the best for us, but in the long run best for our loved ones even though they don't realize it or want it.

You needed to make a choice based on what was best for Mom. Not having an income for you would not have benefitted her or you. Stress and tension from you would have made you a not a happy person, and therefore would have been hard on your Mom also.

Please just always keep in mind that there are not many that would take on the rolls that we have. I've heard some awful stories from my new caregivers on how families just hire someone to watch their loved ones and don't even make a phone call to them or check on how the caregiver is caring for them. They just don't give a damn. That's where we're different. So hold your head up high, we'll help you, and you'll help us do the same.

Keep us updated when you can, and cry to us when you need to and let it all out.

Jackie