For the last 4-5 days, Mom has really declined. She has eaten little, has very very loose stools, and has generally not spoke except to call my name or say yes or no.

Tonight around 8:20pm she fell asleep on her recliner. Around 8:45pm I told the caregiver to start waking her as I wanted to get her up to bed before she got in a deep sleep. Well we couldn't wake her for anything. She was breathing, but totally non-responsive. I couldn't get a pulse right away, and when we did it was 48. I took her B/P and it was actually high.

We proceeded to slap her face, talk loudly to her, put ice on her, and generally tried to wake her, but nothing.

I called the medics, and then hospice. The medics took her B/P, it was on the high side, her pulse, it was still 48, her sugar, it was 115, her oxygen level was between 92 and 95%. Basically her vitals were good, but still non-responsive.

I of course refused transport, as I have a DNR. The medics brought her up in the bedroom, and I finally got a bit of responsive out of her. She told to to "cut it out". That was it, thats the last time she has talked.

The hospice nurse arrived, examined her, and said that she is starting to go into the transition of dying. She's just laying there, sleeping peacefully. Her breathing is labored, but yet not too bad.

I only wish that today wasn't the day that I had gone out most of the day shopping, came home tired, and didn't answer many of her Jackie Jackie Jackie calls. My day caregiver said that while I was gone she was more aggitated then usual, and wanted me. I was a bit sharp with her a few times, and God I wish I could go back.

I only hope and pray she will wake up long enough for me to be able to make up for today. I took advantage of her always alert the next day or the next hour so I could get myself under control and answer her calls to me. But not today, not today. Damn why didn't I answer her calls. I kept on teasing her saying her name back to her every time she said mine. She usually tells me "oh shut up" when I do that, but she didn't today. I should have known then. But of course I was thinking of myself how aggravated I was that she wouldn't stop calling me. God I wish I could go back and just have one more day.

Jackie

If wishes were money, I'd be a millionair, Jackie. We took care of them and they knew we loved them, don't feel guilty for not running everytime she called you today. I'm a good one for saying that, because I, too feel guilty for things that did or didn't happen that last day. I wish I hadn't been on the phone, I wish our granddaughter hadn't been here, I wish I'd been laying next to Bill holding him, I wish, I wish, I wish.
We did our best and you're still doing your best, now it is up to God to do the best.
I'll be praying for both of you.

Ok, Mom has done it again!! I swear that she has nine lives. This morning she is awake, alert, and even has laughed!! Her speech is a bit slurred, but understandable.

After I wrote the post last night, I started thinking. Around 7:30pm I had given Mom a new med. Its Atropine opthamalic solution. It's used in the eyes, but also can be used orally for conjestion. Moms been having alot of phlem in her throat, her lungs are clear, but can't seem to spit up.

I put four drops under her tongue to start as directed, and by 8:20pm is when all this started. I did mention this to the on call hospice nurse, but she said no way. Well I say "way" as she is back to the way she was before the new med with the exception of the slurred speech. Could she have had a slight stroke, a mini? Oh I believe so. But if she did, I truly believe it was from that Atropine.

It seems as each hour goes by, she getting it back though. Still slurred, but more understandable.

So I guess I got my "one more day" on this one!!! She is even calling Jackie, Jackie, Jackie again! Can't tell you how I now love that name!!!

I am going to be keeping her in bed for now and am going to get every liquid down her that I can today. I'm just wondering if my regular hospice nurse will agree with me on the Atropine. I really think she had a reaction to it. I wouldn't think progression of AD comes and goes that quickly, not from what I've seen anyhow.

Sorry for the S.O.S to you all. I was really so very sure that this was the end. But who knows, it just may be the calm before the storm!!

love you all,
Jackie

I'm really glad Mom's back to being mom again. See prayers are answered.
Take care Jackie

Whew! So glad she's back!!!

Prayers continuing for you both.

How's your Mom doing?

I thought so much about you last night, Jackie. Our Moms have been so parallel through this disease it's amazing. We've tried different things, with meds and such, but the results are so similar, no matter what. Do you remember my telling you how much Mom slept after going thru the Psych Ward and all those meds changes, etc. You know, they go and go and go for so long with their minds in chaos, until finally the body says enough. There comes a point when they just need rest...and finally get it. It does sound like maybe your Mom had a TIA, but some other things are coming your way. And, Jackie, I'm telling you, nothing we've done so far is as hard as this. Nothing. Hearing that your Mom is starting the dying process is hard. Seeing it is even harder. My Mom has jumped way into this last stage. Hospice gave her about a month, two weeks ago. But she has good moments and bad moments and that's where we have to be. It is a process. God only knows how long it will take, but you will have more days, Hon. I believe you will.

The only thing that gets a little easier is some of the frustration lessens. Of course, we still have our moments but maybe it's the being hard on ourselves about it that lessens. You blow it out then blow it off and focus on the now moments. That's the only way to get through.

Well, I don't know if I'm much help, just rambling here, but I know what you're going through and as long as we all have each other, we're going to be ok.

I'm just a phone call away if you want to talk.

Keep us posted when you can.

Love to you and Mom.

Hello, Jackie.

So nice to hear mom is getting back to her "usual." It could very well have been a small stroke, or a reaction to the medication, but who knows? There are so many ups and downs with this disease that trying to find reasons and causes is a mostly impossible task. And, quite bluntly, with a DNR is it really that important???

Another impossibility is to keep from being so hard on yourself. You had a bad day.....it happens. And it doesn't make you any less of a caring, thoughtful, faithful, or loving daughter. You are there for her, Jackie, and SHE KNOWS IT. She may not be able to express it anymore, or recognize that thought for what it is, but SHE KNOWS. It's in her heart, and in her mind even when she can no longer make the connection. I believe that with all my heart.

I want to leave you with this thought: I have been told all my life that the sense of hearing is the last to go, that it is very probable people can hear us even though they are unable to respond in any way. So, when you have something you forgot to tell her, go ahead and say it. She'll hear you, and she'll understand.

Very warm and gentle hugs, and continued prayers, dear friend.

Thank you all my friends! Seems like we all need to be reminded that yes, we do take good care of our loved ones, and that we do deserve to have bad days.

And Karenlee, you are right. With the DNR, it really doesn't matter. I guess I wanted some reason why one minute she was talking and the next she wasn't wakeable. I have a really hard time not knowing reasons for certain things, and if it was from the one new med, than I was going to have to decide should I give it to her and take a chance that could happen again, or give it to her to clear up that phlem, but then have her not awaken again. Although I have to say, if she were to have gone, it would have been a beautiful way, as she was so very peaceful and still.

As far as Mom's condition right now, whatever it was, she definitly has progressed just from that episode. And I do think that she did have a small stroke. She has been talking more clearly as far as being able to understand her actual words, but nothing she says makes anymore sense. She has been babbling on and on and not making any sense at all. She's a bit slurry, and has her eyes closed most of the time when she talks. She is hallucinating much more, and seeing alot of dead people. She fixes herself on something and talks to it like someone is standing there, which I guess in her mind someone is. So it seems she just be preparing herself. She's called out to my Dad alot, and she hasn't done that until now. She keeps telling him to pick her up to go home.

I just truly hope and pray that when she goes, she is as peaceful as that night that I couldn't wake her. Maybe I shouldn't have tried that night, as right now she is very mean and very irratated. I may have just ruined it for her huh??

And Sam, yes you have helped me. Don't ever feel you ramble cause as you can see, I am also a rambler and it sure makes me feel good that I'm not the only one. Rambling is good for all of us. Sometimes its just hard to say everything in a short sentence. Well for me anyhow!!!

Mom is asleep now, and hopefully down for the night. She sleeps, but talks constantly while sleeping, so I guess that may be why she's so irritable and mean. She's just not quite at peace now. I sure hope it happens soon. Its just so very heartbreaking as you all know.

Well my friends, thank you again for prayers, thoughts and advice. Thank God I have all of you. You are all the best of the best.

love to you,
Jackie