Here's the situation:

Mom (age 90 with AD) is currently in a Nursing Home after having hip replacement surgery and now suffering from a deep wound on her heel from lack of circulation in her leg. She was in a ALF before that after I rescued her from her abusive 96 year old husband (died last August!) and then put into a NH in March of this year after she had to have hip replacement surgery. We had to sell her house which was falling apart and had a reverse mortgage on it, so not much money left after than. Her expenses with the NH, etc. have rapidly depleated all her funds and we have hired an attorney to help with filing for Medicaid. We are in the process now, (taking FOREVER!!) but payments to the NH are now behind and we are getting threatening notices from them now. . behind by $20K!!! But we are assured by the lawyer that once she is approved, Medicaid will catch up those payments. I just hope she get's approved and they don't kick her out!!

Anyway, here's my dilema. Mom's money is now gone. She has nothing left. So, in the meantime, I still drive her several times a week (gas) to doctors appointments, lunch, etc. She also has some expenses in the NH with having hair cuts, color and perms as well as other things like clothing & personal items which I have been paying for. Now, I need to buy her some new foot boots that are more comfortable for her legs which Medicare won't cover. I believe that she only gets to keep $35 per month from SS, if that? Would it be too much to ask my sisters (2) and brothers (4) to help contribute $20-$25 per month to help offset some of these expenses with Mom. We have never taken any of her money from her account and have handled all her bills and legal matters as well. (We've kept all the receipts & records of expenses) I just think that since I'm doing all the work helping Mom, that they should help in some way?? Am I wrong to ask?? Anyone have any suggestions??

Connie:
My answer is a resounding YES----ask them for help, and explain why. You are not asking for much from any of them, and it will make a big difference to your mom's care. I would also tell them that you will keep track of all moneys that come in from each of them, and everything that is spent, and send them a monthly report, if they wish. (Some folks just need that kind of security). It's easy to do using an excel spreadsheet. I do this with my mom's income and expenses, so if my brother ever questions anything, I have the information for him without having to search for it, or get stressed trying to put it all together at the last minute.
Just a suggestion, of course.

Connie,
Yes, absolutely 100% you should ask your brothers and sisters for some money for your Mom. As Lynn said, you could save receipts etc., so they know exactly where the money goes. Hopefully if they know your Mom's financial situation at this time, they should offer. But I know how that can be. Out of sight, out of mind.

$20-$25/month is not much to ask for at all. And $35/month that she will have left is not enough to maintain all her personal supplies that she may need. I would think that they will want to do that for your Mom, at least I'm hoping.

Be very careful how you approach all of them when asking. And you may want to ask one of them whom you think would be the most likely to agree with sending money, to ask the others and explain the situation to them. If they want to start an account with anothers name on it, then agree to that also. Or they can start their own account with you also contributing, and then you can send them the bills and they can reimburse you.

Where money is concerned, you need to be very careful. I know many families where a money situation has broken up the entire family. And although its only a small amount your asking for, its still money, and people are really funny about that.

So I would go for it, but cautiously.

Jackie

By all means, inform your sibs about what is going on regarding Mom is in the hole financially with the NH payments. Let them know that Medicaid hasn't been finalized and that some, if not most will be taken over by them. But let them know that there is a strong possibility that Mom will have to leave the NH due to the snafu's in getting said Medicaid, and that you desperately need some financial support from each of them to insure Mom's care.

I pray that this will be resolved quickly and that your burdens --financially and emotionally-- are lessened.

Personally, if you are going to ask them for money to assist in taking care of mom's day-to-day supplies/expenses, I would ask each of them for a hundred a month (or a couple of hundred) to be kept in a separate account opened by you for her expenses. There are things like clothing or shoes that need to be purchased too, co-pays for doctor's visits...tell them you will be happy to provide them a quarterly accounting of expenses if they wish to see it.

Yes, yes, yes, ask them for the money. Tell them exactly what you have told us. With the size family that you have there is no reason why you should carry the entire financial burden for the things your mom needs. I'll bet that your brothers and sisters will be happy to help out. That way they could feel like they were contributing to mom's care without really having to do very much at all.

You aren't wrong to ask but be prepared to get answers you don't want to hear. People get really weird about this stuff and as Jackie stated, it needs to be approached with discretion. All you can do is ask if they would be interested in providing additional assistance in maintaining your moms present mode of care. I would have a spreadsheet available with all of June's expenses since she has been with you and what you have paid out so they can see numbers. That will speak for itself. Make several copies and make sure everyone has one to take home and examine. I found that during my days doing fundraisers for the ambulance, people were more likely to open their pocketbooks if they were presented with facts and figures. Also, have in your mind and on paper how much it will take from each sibling to keep things going at an even pace. Then put those amounts down on a second spreadsheet and budget the money where it would be spent, tentatively. It requires a bit of work on your part but it may be worth it to get the additional help that you need.

Good luck and let us know how things go.

Good advice from everyone, Connie. I'm just adding
my cautionary "Yea."
Good luck, sweetie.
Carol

I agree with all that has been said by everyone. I also second the statement saying to be prepared for things that you don't want to hear. Even though it is family money is always a touchy subject; but having said that, it is their mother also and they SHOULD be helping in some form or fashion. If necessary play the guilt card on them all.

So, I wrote the email to everyone, outlining the weekly/monthly expenses for Mom. Wow! I didn't realize I was spending so much money, but when you consider hair cuts/color/ perms, gas, lunch (for Mom only), parking fees, tips, clothing, medical supplies (not paid for my Medicare), and misc. items, it really adds up! I'm spending more than $200 per month!

So far, only my oldest sister has sent me $100! Her note was sweet and said for me to use some of the money to go get a massage! I called to thank her and told her that she didn't need to send any more for 4 months. I was only asking for $25 each month, which is nothing these days! But I was willing to pay for more than the rest. Mom's worth it! My younger brother said he would send money each month and so did my other sister. But I haven't received anything from them. My older brother has said nothing and I know he can afford $25~! I sent them an email last night with an update on Mom with: "Thank you to those of you who have sent a contribution towards Mom's expenses . . ." hoping that those that have not contributed, would get the hint!

I just don't understand how families could be offended when asked to help with support for their own mother! Since day one. . I have not spent a dime of her money on me and have in fact, spent a lot out of our own pocket buying her clothes, etc. Not once in the past year, have I asked for help. But now that her money is gone, and things are getting tight . . . .I feel that the very least that my brothers and sisters could do is help with a little money each month. At least they do recognize all the work I do for Mom and thank me! (*sigh)

Connie

Well hurray for your oldest sister!! Seems like she gets it. And to send $100 was very generous. I hope she puts a match under the other one's butts. If fact, if they don't send you anything, I really think you need for her to get them going on it. I hope she didn't send you the $100 because some of the others have refused. Guess you may find that out next month if you get another $100 from her, and not from some of the others.

You were really generous not asking for more, but smart, as you may have to be asking for an increase as time goes on. And it really should not be coming out of just your pocket. They have to remember that you also have a young son that needs your support. And to take $200 a month out of your income is not fair, and really does take away from him also. I just hope that they come through for you.


Jackie