Quick update, both mom and step-dad diagnosed about 5 years ago with ALZ. They have been living together in a few places; as their needs changed. In Oct 08 I had to move mom to a SNF, as she needed more care than Dad and the AL couldn't provide it. On Nov. 8 she passed away after a TIA and a few falls. The day before she died, Dad & I went to see her.

Now he doesn't remember...she's gone. I've been telling him that she's in heaven with his sister and her husband; sometimes this soothes him, as he knows they will take good care of her, but he wants to be with them...he doesn't always remember heaven = death. Other times he's so in the moment, "Well, if she's gone, I need a job!" His JOB was taking care of her, before. Or he'll ask if he's the last one alive (Yes! He's outlived his parents and 7 sibs and all their spouses.) He asked me the other day if mom's 'Alive?' I said 'No'. He seemed okay with that until the next 5 minutes when he wants me to take him to see her. When I said that heaven was a little to far to drive to today..he just laughed and said "well of course it is!"

The facility has been saying that she is at the hospital or has an appointment. I asked them last week to NOT say that, as he is still looking for her after 2 months. And then he gets angry and tries to leave the facility to find her. Often he is aggressive toward staff and visitors entering & leaving the building. I asked them to say she is with the sister & her husband and he can't travel to them at this time! Any other suggestions??

Last week when I went to take him out, because he was getting 'aggressive' with people at the door; he was trying to get out and find mom, When I said she was in heaven, he said then they are lying to me! It's hard to tell what he remembers and what he doesn't. At times when he's 'very in the moment'...he gets it and other times it's like the first time he heard it, he gets very emotional and cries.

Just wondering how to phrase it so that it's not a shock "SHE'S DEAD" each time, but not a lie either! Thanks!

His birthday was January 9th, I took him to a concert at church. On the way, I said mom was gone and he could find a new girlfriend if he wants (he's very funny & social). So at the concert he was putting his moves on the minister's wife! (my friend)!

Take go*d care, Shaye

Wow, this is a tough one. Normally I would say to lie and not tell him because often AD patients go through the grief everytime you tell them. But in your case, your dad seems to handle the truth better than the lie.

As long as he isn't grieving each time, I would just say that she is in heaven visiting family. If however he starts to get emotional each time then it's time to lie and say she is away on a trip.

Good luck.

Thank you Lori! I'm glad to have refound this site...I've missed several of you who are not on the aLZ site as often as before...I thought that some just stopped coming by.

In my mom's 'personal' things I found an envelope that she had all the GLOW cards & pictures in. Whoever sent the greyhound pictures, she really liked them! Is GLOW still glowing?

Thanks I know about grieveing each time, as when we first hear news like that our bodies also dump chemicals into our systems; so that if it's new info really often, we can poison ourselves!

Dad seems to have a grasp on the situations 'in the moment'...his language skills are minimal but he gets the ideas across. Awhile back, I told him "it's just you & me kid", he asked if my DH had died too?

I truly hope he can find a girlfriend at the facility, he's such a caring gentle man. He adored my mother (the crab). I asked him how he put up with her, he told me she wasn't like that to him! I'm glad!!!

And I've got pictures to support it...all pictures pre my father's death...mom is NOT smiling in fact she looks vacant already. I found many pictures of her with dad and she is always smiling. Made me feel much better about her life! Less guilt for me!

Take go*d care, Shaye

I'm glad you found your way back here Shaye.

Shaye:
I encountered that a few times with mom...I never was good at the lying about this or that...when she was finally at the NH they would come up with a "story" sometimes and I would stick with it...one was about being on a ferry...wasn't a good time!--

when mom would question things I always went for the truth....towards the end she never made much sense & due to the drugs she was a basket case--still could come to the scene with anger but....when she would inquire about Dad I woud tell her he had died...sometimes she believed me other times....not so much--paranoia ruled her life towards the end....

She never did quite accept that she didn't have a car--I got that thrown at me so many many times--that and the drivers license--One thing is I was never right and she never LIED....just me!

wish you luck!

karen

Lori,
Bill still has a basket full of Glo Cards, also. When he is sitting at the table, I will pull out 3-4 of these cards and he will play with them. Eventually he will tear them up or try to eat them, but he still enjoies looking at them.
Thanks for all the work you did on that project. I still have a basket of cards that I never used.

Hi Riley! We're the ones with the 'same mom'! Sorry to hear that you lost yours too!

I took dad out today for lunch, 'Tuesdays with Morrie' He said he's going to buy a car like mine & go back to work, now that mom's gone. (The car I drive was his...he's not remembered that for years now.)

Funny he has always done worse on the mini mentals at the doctors, but day by day, he outshown my mom's abilities by miles!!!

Joyce, prayers with you today!

Lori, thanks, I missed you guys from the QM & FT thread! How are the others from about 1/2 year before you lost Helen?

Take go*d care, Shaye