I was getting testy today because I drank too much coffee and hadn't had dinner even though it was late. I started to get frustrated with Laurette and I actually said the words "You're completely incompetent!" I felt really bad right at first, but she looked at me just a little bit confused and asked "Where is Mimi?". That's the cat, and it was right at her feet.

I must remember to eat on time and not have coffee so late in the day! No matter how frustrated I get she deserves better, and thank God she didn't understand.

Jezza,
You don't know how many times I've said that same thing. I can't use coffee as an excuse either because I don't drink it. When I completely lose it, I'll leave the room to calm down. That is where I keep telling myself to calm down and go back in as though everything is all rosy. He doesn't remember that I just yelled at him, but I do and it is hard to pretend like it never happened. I have had so much practice acting that when this is all over I should move to California and become an actress.
I've never used the phrase "got testy" in describing how I react at times, but maybe I'll start using it because it sounds better than saying "I went crazy"
. Thank God they don't remember, at least I sure hope Bill doesn't remember.

Try to remember to not drink so much coffee and to eat. See even I can say that. I don't always do as I say, but I can still give advice.

I remember losing my cool with my mom. I still feel so guilty about it and she is gone now. I think I will always feel bad even though she would forget moments later. I wish I could just let it go.

Jezza, as you will see (when everyone else sees this and responds), it's really common. No matter how hard you try, everyone eventually is worn down with AD and we lose it sometimes. My thing is that I will say "you're driving me crazy!" because mom is constantly looking for items like glasses, her book, her purse, a slipper and it's never-ending. I always feel terrible because I know she can't help it. A couple of weeks ago, I was actually yelling because she was not paying attention to what I asked (she was looking at the TV). None of this is her fault and I burst into tears and told her how sorry I was when I caught myself.

All we can do is apologize (even if they don't understand) and resolve to do better. I also will leave the room like Joyce does and compose myself when I feel I'm getting frustrated. It does help.

Oh jez, believe me, this won't be the last time, coffee or not. I think every once in awhile, we just have to explode. It's good for us, but I'm sure even for them. I know sometimes when I explode with Mom, it seems for just a bit, and I mean a bit, she realizes that she is aggravating me with something. Makes them think a little, and thinking is good for them.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you're a good guy and a loving grandson. And sometimes if we hold all this in too much, then the exploding will be much rougher than what you said to Laurette. I've bit my tongue so much, that one time I threatened to put her in a home. Talk about feeling like crap!!

You're doing a great job with your grandmother. You remember that my friend.

Jackie

Jezza,

Everyone goes through moments like this. What you have to learn is to forgive yourself and remind yourself that you're only human. It's difficult at best to be 'up' all the time. Even though she may not understand you, tell her you're sorry and that you'll do better. You need to do that in order to move on.

I am working now as a caregiver to several people and sometimes the only way I can get through the day with a few of them is to leave the room for a moment, take a deep breath, and put my game face back on.

Jezza; I just realized I spent $40.00 at "Starbucks" in just 11 days! I use it for inter-net access too though. Coffee is a must for me too, even more important than bread or water, or even sleep! I don't live full-time with Mom, but if I did, I would be sure to lose my temper occassionally! Just mostly out of frustration, well, you know why. I did learn "ONE" thing though, you know how they do not feed you on the plane anymore? I used to get one diet coke, for each leg of my journey, but even that will keep me up all night, I switched to "Sprite!" And try to keep my Latte's to before or close to Noon!

Forgiving ourselves is awfully hard to do. It's especially difficult if we hang on to--sometimes for days--the "she deserves better." I've been there. Apologizing to my Mom is the only way I can forgive myself and go on. Actually, I do it quite often just out of the blue! I tell her I'm sorry if sometimes I'm grouchy. It helps. She always forgives me.

I, too, look at myself to see what caused me to go from testy to explosion. There's always going to be a certain combination of too much of this or too little of that. It will simply be a different combination the next time. :/ We just have to try to keep ourselves in some kind of balance.

When I know the scale is tipping, I up and change the scenery. Mine, Mom's or both. Even picking up Mimi from Laurette's feet to her lap can be a good distraction for you both. To me, there's nothing better than petting a cat until their pupils enlarge.

Keep your chin up.

One of the benefits of this disease is that it's very easy for Laurette to forgive and forget! These things all pass quickly enough, and I'm off to make more coffee! I actually started and then forgot about it until I saw this post again. I'm as bad as her sometimes!

Jezza,

Lori always says it's caregiver dementia. So just keep on thinking thats all it is. God, I hope so for all our sakes.

Jackie

Wasn't it coffee that started this topic Jezza?

I had my sweatpants on backwards and a fleece jacket on inside out within the past week.....