I don't know what I want to even say. It was six weeks ago Saturday that I lost a big part of my life. It is so hard. I've tried to keep busy but everytime I stop, the tears start again. I miss Bill so much. Today it's been tears almost all day. Lori said she'd make a quilt square for Bill and I cried. Lori finished the square and I cried. It seems that all I do is cry. Nothing seems to be important any more.

This morning I was standing in the living room and something fell in the other room. I went to see what it was and found that a can of air freshner had fallen off the back of the toilet. A little later while again in the living room something fell in the kitchen. I went in there and a spatula had fallen out of a container that I keep the large utinsils in.
I told myself that it was just Bill letting me know he was here. I ask him to just put his arms around me and to stop throwing things on the floor. Nothing else fell, but I didn't feel his arms around me either.

I go to bed at night and hope that I will dream about Bill. But so far that hasn't happened. I look at his smiling face in pictures and tell myself that he is better off now and that he is smiling. I'm happy that he is no longer suffering. During his battle he lost every thing now I guess it's my turn, because now I have lost the person who has been my better half for 46 years. I've lost a sibling, my parents and a child, but always Bill was there to hold me and give me strength. Now I've lost him and there is no one to hold me and I need that.

I never ask the girls for help when Bill was here and I can't ask them now. I have to get through this by myself and I know I will. I just never knew it would be so hard.

Question now, should I hit submit or just exit before hitting it. Here goes.

Oh Joyce, my heart just breaks for you. I don't know what it is like to lose a spouse but I do know what it is like to lose your best friend and the person who has always stood my your side. This is going to take time. You will shed a lot more tears before you pass through this grief and you will still be left with your heart and little sadder and a lot more fragile than it was before.

You don't have to get through this by yourself. Ask for help. I too thought that because I did it alone all those years that I could get through the grief alone too. It literally almost killed me. I don't think I ever told you, but six months after Helen passed, I took a drug overdose because I couldn't stand the pain anymore. What I learned was that I couldn't get through this alone.

Please reach out to your girls. Have you used the hospice grief counsling at all? I ended up seeing a therapist. Do whatever you need to do but don't do it alone.

I'm glad you hit "submit". That's what we are here for.

Joyce, I can only tell you from watching my Dad plod through those days after Mom died, how horribly difficult it was for him. The day Mom passed, when the dr. came in and told us Mom was gone, his eyes darkened and the light went out. His soulmate was gone. I think he cried every day for her.

What I will tell you hopefully will help you and maybe enable you to reach out to your daughters. It was after Dad died, my brother told me how much it meant to Dad to have me around after Mom died. Dad, of course, never told me this and it meant so much to hear that maybe I had given Dad some kind of happiness after his life had been turned upside down.

Your daughters are hurting too. Allow them to hurt with you and see you cry. I needed to see Dad cry and not be the strong one. We had to hurt together to begin to heal together. Please, Joyce, give your kids that. Let them be there for you. You will heal a lot easier when the grief is shared by all who loved that sweet man of yours.

This is coming from a daughter who, after losing her dad, finally felt like she had maybe made a small difference in a life where it mattered the most. Sadly, it was my brother who told me, and not my Dad. Bill may not be there to hold you in his arms to comfort you but your daughters are. I pray you find comfort in their arms.

Oh Joycie, I am so sorry you are hurting so. I have never lost a soulmate, or a spouse, I guess my Dad was the hardest yet. All I do know is, that crying hard, every day, never killed anyone, and the experts, Pastors, Grief Counslers, & Friends all say, that being Stoic, and not emoting, is what WILL hurt you.

I hate to cry, but I guess it is healing, so cry away. And I hope you will let your Daughters in, like Snick suggested. I think we are birds of a feather, and have always been the strong ones, the 'pillar of courage' It is a hard role, to give up, but sometimes, we must.

Love & {{{Cyber-Hugs}}} for you, I hope you can get some 'real' one's...soon.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Please don't think you need to do it alone. We're here to listen anytime.

I agree with Snickers63 that you and your daughters can help each other through this time. I tried to 'not bother' my husband with my grief after my father died, but it was just too much. A good friend pointed out that I couldn't go on telling my husband I was 'ok' when I was not, because I was effectively tying his hands, and most likely he wanted to help. See if you and your daughters can help each other in your grief.

I'm so sorry, Joyce, that you are feeling so lonely and sad. Please don't forget that your girls have lost their daddy and they are probably as in need of hugs as you are. You are each trying to be the strong woman. Remember that "support" is what a family is for and if this was one of your girls you would want her to come to you.
I know that you are wrapped securely in Bill's love and he is watching over you.
I will be keeping you in my prayers.
northernlights

I, too, am sorry that you're feeling so lonely and sad. I know how hard it was for me to lose my grandfather... the one who believed I could be anything I wanted to be.

I had to find support from others and learn to let go of the pain through many tears and prayers.

Set yourself small goals-- an hour at a time, perhaps --and give yourself permission to feel. Keeping it inside gives your grief power and stalls your ability to heal and grow again.

Please, Joyce, know that I am keeping you tight in my prayers to God. I will be coming your way hopefully this weekend or next Tuesday. Perhaps we can meet and cry/grieve together?

Joyce

Never ever think twice about hitting that submit button. We're all here to help each other whether its through this terrible disease, or after the journeys of our loved ones has ended.

I know one thing about grieving, and thats that there is no time table on when it should stop. You lost the most important part of your life. You cry as much as you want or need to. It's ok Joyce. And share that grief with your family Joyce. I really think that they may also need you to help them through this. We try to protect our children in any way we can from many things, but I think at this point you should feel them out and maybe see if they may also be going through a rough time.

This may now be the time for all of you to be asking for each others help.

Please always come here and give us your thoughts. If there's nothing else we can do, we can still listen.

love to you my friend,
Jackie

Joyce,

I just wanted you to know that even though I didn't lose a spouse, I know how you are feeling with regards to grief and family members! I am STILL struggling with the death of my mother just 5 months ago and cry nearly every single day for her. . .reliving her last days with her in the hospital. I just can't get her out of my mind! And there are moments when something will trigger those thoughts - especially a TV show and I would cry uncontrollably. My husband, although well meaning, just seems numb to my sobbing now. But it affects my young 11 year old son who is very sensitive and comes to give me a hug to console me when hubby doesn't.

I want to reach out to my siblings but I feel guilty by bringing up my sadness to them which may make them sad as well. But then, that's what family is for, right? To help us through these rough times. I'm sure your daughters are there for you. All you have to do is reach out to them. They may feel the same way and not want to burden you with their own grief and you can help one another.

Know that ALL our "collective arms" are reaching out to you to give you a big loving hug. You are not alone! I'm keeping you in my prayers!

Connie

Dearest Joyce,

I have lost my spouse (non AD related) and both of my parents now to diabetes/AD related causes, and even though I'm going through this now with just losing my mom I can tell you that:
1) It's okay to cry - silent tears, gut-wrenching sobs and anything in between
2) Some days you won't cry and you'll feel guilty
3) The day will eventually come when you realize you are crying fewer days than you're not
4) One day, even 10 years later, you'll think of your loved one in a certain way and break down again

It's a process and I think the loss we feel as caregivers is not only for that person but not knowing what to do with ourselves for the time we spent caregiving. Right now I'm dealing with all the post-death paperwork and phone calls and in a way it's an extension of what I've done for the last five years with my mom. Taking care of business. And I worry about what I'll do when it's over....even though my life with work, school and son (10 yo) keep me so busy.

Be good to yourself, let your daughters grieve with you....they've suffered a great loss too and it can be so cathartic just to be together and cry.

Joanie

Joyce, Friend, how are you doing? I thought about you all weekend.