Up at four this morning, hopefully that doesn't continue for too long. Normally I would have layed in bed not wanting to disturbe Bill. Now I don't have to do that. I got up, flipped on the computer, made a cup of tea while it booted up, then sat down and said good morning to Bill as his face came up on my wallpaper.

The kids all left on Saturday and my sister came over and spent the night with me. Catherine, you'll probably be hearing a lot about Catherine from now on, also came over with two of the grandkids for a few hours on Sunday. Then Sunday night it was just me and memories. Everytime I started feeling really down, I'd look at Bill's smiling face and tell myself, "He's smiling like that once more". Somehow that helps.

I was up early Monday morning, just like this morning. I started cleaning my house and trying to get it back in order after a week of thirteen people and three dogs here. Bill's room was the first room I hit. There wasn't anything in there except for the tv I just bought for him since hospice had removed all the hospital equipment. I emptied the closet, it only held the new wheelchair clothes I bought last month. I was on my knees cleaning the baseboards and the hard wood floors. His room is now an office/tv/hide-a-way room.
Next came the living room where I moved all the furniture and did the same thing in there as far as the cleaning. Got all the furniture cleaned crumbs and dog hair. This won't last long because Sandra, another daughter you'll be hearing about, will be over Sat. with the dogs again.
Then I had to decide which room was next. I chose the kitchen since I couldn't close a door to that room. That one only got a good surface cleaning. Maybe today I will go deeper in there. I was on my knees cleaning floors so much yesterday that I actually have a blister on my knee.
Three more bedrooms and then I get to go downstairs and start there.

Today I will, maybe, go to the funeral home to discuss the bill I got from them. The funeral was supposed to be all pre paid for and I got a $1000 bill. I want to know what it's for before I write them out a check. Then I'll go to the NH where Bill went for his last respite and take them a case of diapers that I have. I also want to cancel his next respite that was already set up for the 25th.

I can make it ok until someone calls or comes over, then I start thinking again. I'm better alone than when someone is here. Maybe because it'was only been Bill and I for so many years.

Before closing, I want to welcome all the new comers. I think I recognize you, northernlights, from the old place . Can't remember names of others but I will get to know you real soon. You have all come to an excellent place for comfort and support.

Love all of you and thank you for all you're support.

Hi Joyce, Thanks for the welcome to this forum. Yes, you do know me from the other one. I needed to come here to a kinder type of forum where the focus is really on helping and caring rather than anger and drama. I found the other forum depressing instead of uplifting which is what we all need when we are care giving.
I'm so glad that you can focus on Bill's smile and be glad that he is in a better place.
I found that after my grandmother passed away I spent a lot of time cleaning and being by myself just to have time to think about her and remember her in my life. She was my best friend and actually more of a mother to me than my mom. Cleaning is something you can do without thinking about and still gives you that sense of satisfaction when you are finished. My husband understood and gave me that space for awhile.
I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Take care.
northernlights

Oh Joyce, as I read your post, I remembered those early days so well. I went through my house like a whirlwind, throwing things out and making numerous trips to the thrift shop with my van loaded with stuff. I just knew I had to do something and that was all I could think of to do.

This isn't going to be easy sweetie and it will take some time but you will go on. I'm just glad that you have such a wonderful support system. We will all continue to hold you close to our hearts.

Joyce, I think you are doing exactly what it is you are supposed to be doing, and at your own pace. There are no written guidelines for this stuff. Continue to follow your heart and your senses. You have always been very wise and very grounded. That will see you through these coming days. I admire the way you are carrying yourself and handling things, one step at a time. You are one classy lady.

I'll see you and Jackie in about three weeks. I hope Jackie is feeling ok for company. I think her surgery is coming up next Mon., the 9th whenever that is.

I got two more bedrooms cleaned today and a quick clean of my room. That is on my list for a deep cleaning tomorrow along with the bathrooms.
Then down stairs to start there. Not sure what I"ll do after that. I need to remove the hand rails down the hall and patch and paint that wall. Then repair the door and door frame on Bill's room where the wheelchair messed them up. I just thought about the hook and eyes I have on all the doors, guess I can remove those this evening. Just keep busy, that is my motto for now.

Oh Joyce, I can't imagine what you are going through, sounds like you are doing just what you should. My children and I prayed for you this morning and will continue to, it must be so hard. I can't get that wonderful smile of Bill's out of my mind, so glad you posted that.

You take care and just do what you need to,

Big hugs to you,

~Kelly~

I'm glad you posted his picture too Joyce. I haven't seen a more kind and gentle face. One step at a time is always the best way to get through hard times.

Thank you for the prayers, Kelly. They must be working because I found myself humming the song
"He Will Raise You Up" when I woke up this morning and have been humming it all morning.

I have the picture of Bill as my wallpaper and when I start feeling down, I look at him so happy and think that is how he is now. Happy and alive in the arms of God.

I even took a shower and got dressed this morning, so that must be a good sign of some sort.

Joyce, I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm more worried about you to be honest with you than I am myself. I know how difficult this is for you. Actually I dont' know, but can only imagine. Bring pictures by the way, lots of pictures. Snicks and I love pictures. And I bet Eileen does too. We are going to P-A-R-T-Y!!!!

By the way Joyce, do you eat meat on Fridays during Lent? I never ask anyone's religion, as it really doesn't matter. But I want to make sure I don't make anyone uncomfortable by serving meat on Friday if you usually wouldn't. I don't, but I may just give myself dispensation that day. LOL But I will have a few meatless things planned also.

Looking forward to the 27th. Anyone else going to be out this way? You are most certainly welcome!!

Jackie

Jackie,
First thing, I don't eat meat on Friday during Lent.

My sister is coming to Chicago with me so it will be my sister, my daughter and me coming.

Don't worry about me. It may be weepy eyes when I first see you, but I'll be fine. I keep looking at Bill's smiling face and think that's the way he is now. That helps me.

I got a lot of legal stuff taken care of today. Soc. Sec. was all taken care of by phone. I will start receiving a widows benefit, which will be the same amount that Bill was receiving. That's twice what I got on my own. I just had to send them a copy of the death certificate since they already had all the other information. She said I would get my regular check and then another check to make up the difference and a third check for their death benefit. After the first time, I will then just get one check for the total amount. The bank will return the last check from soc. sec. so I don't have to worry about that.

Banking is all taken care of. Accounts closed and new accounts opened in my name. Cancelled credit card and ATM card. The credit card will just switch to my name really no change. I already have an ATM card in my name for my accounts. I have to wait for IRA papers to tell them to roll it over into my IRA. Tomorrow will be the most work because I pay all bills on line from Bill's checking account and will have to switch them to my checking account. I hope there is an easy way of switching without having to reenter everything.
I also have to contact GMAC because we had automatic deduction from Bill's checking. I'm not too worried about that because it was just deducted yesterday so it won't be due again until next month.
Then everything will be done.

I also took a case of diapers to the NH where
Bill went for respite the last time.

Catherine and the grandkids were here for dinner and just left so they could get to bed for school tomorrow. The almost 15 year old took a shower here and put on a pair of my pjs to go home in. She said she likes grandma's shower. Probably because it's clean and her's isn't. I did make her clean the tub when she finished.

My grandson called me from Chicago when he got home from school to ask how I was. So grown up for almost 15. He and I talk home work when he calls. Theresa said I am the only one he will listen to. I wish he would listen to his parents but it makes me feel good that he does what I say.

I've been humming the same song all day. Didn't even realize I was doing it at first.

Another day is over. Another one to face tomorrow. One day at a time, that's all I'm thinking about.

See you in about three weeks Jackie. Good luck on your surgery.

Joyce,

I seldom talk about money on here because that is personal business. I would like to say a few things about Soc. Sec. if I may.

When my mom died, SS was notified the day of her death. It took a year for her benefits to end. No kidding. We kept the checks in the bank and didn't touch them because we knew they would want the money back once they realized the mistake but upon several calls to them from my brother Mike, their executor, they didn't do anything about it. It wasn't until Mike received a nasty letter from them informing my mother that if she didn't come to the office and prove she had changed her address (Mike had forwarded all their mail to his address in NC), they were going to cease her checks. Mike called them back and let them have it. He informed them once again she was dead and if they needed proof, he would have me send her ashes to NC and he would plop them on their desk personally. Problem solved and the money was removed from Mom's checking account by SS.

Dad's VA pension was the same tune as well as his SS. In fact, the VA took forever to pay his burial benefits. We had provided several copies of death certs for both Mom and Dad and no one seemed to be able to get it right. It was truly a nightmare and very stressful. I hope it goes easier for you but I am just giving you a heads up in case you hit a snag. Just keep an eye on your banking and make sure SS isn't depositing money they shouldn't be. They will come after it in the end.

Gotta love those folks. They couldn't find their a** with both hands and a map.

Wow...seriously paper-work should be the LAST thing one needs to worry about, but it seems to be a mess, according to most of my friends. In your case Joyce, maybe not. Your daughter seems to be doing pretty well (Theresa) I am keeping my eye on her! And you with all the furious house-keeping? That would be me too, and seems so very normal!

Did you name daughter Catherine, after Sister Catherine?

I hope you guys (or gals) have a GREAT meet-and-greet! Take pictures, and please, think of me.

Joyce, did you know that kids were giving up Facebook, for lent? Maybe I should? No...I CANT! AUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Love You!

Don't count on the Facebook thing. I think they are all adicted. You should have seen them here. There were four lap tops going. All playing scrabble against each other.
I got up one morning and my living room looked like ABC warehouse with all the cords, computers and cell phones all plugged in.
I guess I named Catherine after Sister Catherine. Sister Catherine was here before Catherine. But that isn't why we chose Catherine's name. Guess we just liked the sound of Catherine.

My serious house keeping is taking me down stairs today. Don't worry about Theresa, she doesn't worry about serious house keeping. Maybe she worries about it, but with work and the kids, she doesn't have time to do it very often. Catherine has already told me that when I finish here I could come to her house.

Joyce, your strength is an inspiration to all of us.

Joyce,
As Sam just said, your strength is an inspiration to all of us. Now save some of that strength (the physical one) when you come to visit. My house needs a good once over. Actually a twice over!!! LOL

Jackie