I always thought that if something bad happened in my family - we'd gather 'round the wagons. A united front. Together, we could face and triumph over any kind of rotten odds. After all, we'd done it before.

Now that my Dad has a romantic relationship outside of his marriage to Mom (in a NH), it doesn't feel that way. I often feel like he's jumped ship. Opted out of "us" for the greener pastures of self interest.

He goes to see Mom every day he's in town. He pays for anything needed. But, to me, there's something missing in it. Like he's not emotionally invested in Mom any more.

Now, perhaps, I understand how children of divorce feel. Guess I've been pretty sheltered all these years. I'm almost 40 and some days I want to throw myself in the floor and have a tantrum about it.

I suppose it's selfish of me. He has said more than once, "You don't understand what I've gone through."

True. I don't. I've never been married. I don't understand that kind of relationship. But it still hurts. As if dementia wasn't bad enough of a thing to happen to Mom, now it seems like the family I've always known has completely disintegrated.

I just never in my wildest dreams could have ever imagined my life turning out like this. Never thought he'd start dating someone while Mom is still alive. It absolutely breaks my heart.

And I'm reasonable. I know it hurts because I'm thinking - It's MY family. Looking what this is doing to ME. So I swing between hating the situation and hating myself for being a 30 something yr old brat.

I just thought he'd have more respect for Mom. That he could cope with friends, etc. That he wouldn't need a romance.

This has been going on for a year now. I bawled for 4 days straight about it when I found out. So I guess I'm doing better. But it's still a source of difficult days.

And to add insult to injury - when I go to visit Mom/Dad - his "friend" lives up the street. VERY small town. Almost impossible to not bump into her when I go to visit.

Surprising to me - I've been very polite whenever I've seen the woman. Never thought I could dig that deep and find that kind of decency - but I've done it. I've done it I guess b/c even though I'm upset - I don't want Dad to be miserable. And he was before this lady came along.

So it's crappy any way you cut it. It's like someone gets hurt no matter which way it goes.

Other conflicts have arisen lately too. At the end of the day - the only reason I'm enduring it is for Mom. Otherwise I'd tell him to stick it and move back down South where I feel at home with friendly folks, biscuits, sweet tea and SEC football.

So while I am selfish, I think that I've never known unconditional love as I do today. To put Mom first. To stay in a situation that hurts like the devil but to suck it up for her. To be closer to her.

Everyone around me - my family - wants to just move on. Give up on her. To say she's not "there" anymore. But she is. And I love her. And I guess why I am writing this and am sad tonight like many nights is that I feel like I am the only one who hasn't given up on her.

She's my Mom. I was brought to life inside of her. Our b'days are one day apart. And she did more for me than I ever deserved. I love her more each day than I did the one before it.

I here ya. Mother's & Daughters, especially if they were awesome, is a tough one? It breaks my heart every single day that nobody, and I mean nobody cares about her health & happiness, and welfare, as much as I do?

I aslo must be Italian, because I find myself saying things in my head like "Don't mess with my Mother!" "Now you are really asking for trouble!" I am VERY protective of her.

I know the sacrafice thing too. I stayed in that Hell-Hole, where she lives for Eight Nights, just so I could be close to her. I took a shower in the Man's Bathroom, that I hate, just to be close to her. I put up with all of his insanity, and didn't say a peep, just to be close to her.

"YOU MUST CONTROL THE FRUIT!"

I think LOVE can conquer an awful lot, and may be the strongest force on Earth.

I am sorry for your situation, but totally understand your wanting to stay, to be near her. Especially when it seems like know one else cares, and you could be right?

Starry,

Oh my gosh, now I feel like I want to hug YOU! I can read the sadness so clearly in your post.

Sweetie, I think some of these feelings are natural. I am much older than you (late fifties) but I still think of my Mom and Dad as my folks.....not just two adults. And I know they still think of me as their daughter.

My Dad is so cute sometimes. He sends me little packages. The last one he sent had a whole bottle of vitamins and some Airborne medicine. He worries about me getting sick.

Now I am going to give you a little bit different perspective so bear with me here. My husband has AD. If you read my Into message, you know that I adore him. I always have. But now, I am extemely lonely. Very very lonely.

I am used to having a partner. A companion. Your Dad is also. And I bet he is very lonely too. I really would not know how to convey this to my daughter. She is 30 years old. It would be impossible for her to understand because she just has not had that much life experience yet.

I think your Dad still loves your Mom deeply. I bet that I am right. But he is hurting inside and lonely. Being with this woman probably eases that pain. I know it doesn't seem right. But try really really hard to understand his pain and bear with him.

As his daughter, I know that it must be a hard thing to do. But please try for his sake. I know you love him so much. And to that end, you would want him to be as happy as he can be. It may seem hard to understand, but when a partner has AD, or something like that, the person "leaves" before they have passed on.

I feel like I lost my husband a long time ago. But I am forced to "keep" losing him over and over. And the grieving goes on and on. It is unbearable.

Please try to understand how your Dad feels.

You sound like a wonderful, loving person.

God Bless You!

Thank you! I appreciate all the empathy and input. I'm trying. Just hurts.

Starry
I can not give you any advice in this, but my heart does ache for you as I can truly feel your heart ache, and sadness.

I don't know how I would feel if it were my parents. Maybe I would feel differently now that I have first hand experience with an ADLO, but then I might feel the same way as you do. My Mom and I are very close and I adore my Dad so I would never want either of them to be lonely or to lack something that I could not give them and that is the touch and compassion of another human being.

I am not saying that your compassion and touch isn't much needed and not done in a loving way, but sometimes you just need more than what family can give you.

What VG girls has said makes a lot of sense and does add a different prespective to it. I can feel the love and compassion that she has for her DH, but the loneliness must be unbearable at times.

Hugs to you as you struggle with this difficult situation..

Oh and coming from a southern girl.. come to visit the biscuits and tea are always in supply..

Oh, I forgot to compliment you on your "Title!" "Where are the wagons?" Really? Where are the wagons? I was so sure that something like this would pull a family together, not apart, I was wrong. Dead wrong. But I have had a little time (Years) to try to adjust to it.

I call it: Not going to empty wells, if you are thirsty. I don't know where I heard that, but it makes sense. I don't go to empty wells anymore. And I don't trust Lucy to hold The Foot-Ball still "This time I promise, not to move it, Charlie Brown!" anymore either.

Hang-In, you are on the right track!

Valentine Girl that was a lovely response! I totally agree with that. Starry it is so difficult for you I am sure. I am so sorry you are hurting so.

As Vgirl says, it's perfectly natural to feel the way you do, I'm not so sure I would be able to show as much grace as you have under the same circumstances.

I can't put myself in the place of a spouse of a LO with AD, I can't even imagine what spouses must go through. On my personal ladder of suffering, I do feel like it's actually worse. But that's just me.

Just keep doing what you're doing when it comes to the "friend." Civility goes a long way.

Thank you all again. Such beautiful replies.

This weekend was good. Went to see the fam, made Dad and I homemade pizza and rented a movie for us. Also helped him w/his laundry.

Mom not as coherent but in a good mood and in general - much improved since neurologist made many med changes.

So good all around I think. Didn't bump into the "lady friend." Yeah.

It's a strange, new world but I'm trying to make the best of it. Trying to repair some damage from my recent spats w/Dad.

Starry,

Good for you! I am really proud of you!

You are a great daughter!

I was wondering if any of you saw the film "Away From Her". It is a similar situation only reversed. The wife with Alzheimer's developes a fondness for another Alzheimer's patient. It is a tender film.

I cannot imagine my mother having had a boyfriend while dad was still living BUT I have said in my "If Ever it is Me" piece that I would want my husband to move on with his life, visit me but find love again. It is a complicated question and Alzheimer's care giving is complicated enough without more piled on.

What about the wagons? Wagons have wheels. Sometimes they circle and sometimes they just roll.